Not My Grail
by NeonZangetsu
Summary: An item that can grant any wish. A realm rife with endless possibilities. A war seemingly without end. A group of impossibly powerful beings, each seeking their own destiny amidst it all. Here I am, caught up in it again. Why should I care? After all, its Not My Grail...Part of the Not Going Home Series. Contains elements from Fate Extra/ Fate Extella. NarutxSaber? NarutoxNero?
1. Contract

**A/N: DISCLAIMER: I own nothing related to Fate Stay Night or any of its content, etc, so on and so forth.**

 **Another disclaimer, this is part/standalone segment of the NOT GOING HOME series, entailing the chaotic antics of a somewhat-immortal Naruto wandering through different universes, timelines and such in search of a purpose and entertainment. I say again, this story traverses multiple timelines, alternate realities, shows, games, so and and so forth. While it DOES possess a plot, tts chaotic, silly, fun, and meant to make you smile. If that's not your cup of tea for a crossover, or you prefer a more serious tale, then by all means, feel free to leave.**

 **I DID mention I'd explain how he and Saber met and eventually fell in love, did I not?**

 **Consider this that story, of a sort.**

 **Happy belated New Year!**

 **So.**

 **Fate Stay Night.**

 **I just discovered it.**

 **Suppose we have Fate Extella to thank for that. Its story truly moved me.**

 **Don't even get me started about, Nero, Tamamo, or Altera...**

 **Speaking of which, if you're not familiar with Fate extra OR Extella you're gonna be confused.**

 **From there I started watching Fate Stay Night, found out about the whole Multiverse thing and whatnot. The latter made my head spin like crazy, but I suppose that's to be expected. I was AWARE of the games and Saber in hindsight, but holy crap that's a lot of movies, shows and books! In all honesty, I don't know where to go after Fate Stay Night. Zero perhaps? Or Heaven's Feel? Grand Order? Perhaps Apocrypha?**

 **Also, let me say something else.**

 **FUCK.**

 **SHINJI.**

 **Fuck him with a rusty hammer. I really didn't think it was possible to hate a fictional character that much but damn was I wrong. What a twisted little shit!**

 **So, in lieu of a long-ass author's note, I think we're just going to jump right in.**

 **On another note, I'll likely write a more serious tale of this rather than the nonsensical story; one in which Naruto's his ordinary self, as in not nearly as powerful and mortal. One in which he gets his self dragged into the Holy Grail War. A Ninja's War. Hmm. Yeah, that has a nice ring to it!**

 **But for now, I proudly present...**

 **...Not my Grail!**

 _"Ah, you're shocked, I see. Well, that's only natural. Magi are clever and calculating creatures; certainly not fools who would entrust their lives to me."_

 _"Ho? That almost sounds poetic. Shame it doesn't apply."_

 _"You! You...you're not entirely human, are you?"_

 _"What gave it away? Was it the eyes?"_

 _...point taken."_

 _~A Servant and Her Master._

 **Contract**

 _Ah, here we are at last!_

 _Today, I think I'll_ _recount the tale of how I met Saber._

 _No, no, no. That sounds wrong. I'm talking about HER, after all._

 _Is it wrong to love multiple facets of the same entity? I wonder about that._

 _Y'know, I feel there's a joke to be made here, but I just can't bring myself to say it._

 _You see, to tell her-their?-story in its entirety, I'll have to regale you about a certain Roman emperor._

 _Sorry if I've confused you, dear reader. Doubtlessly you're wondering as to the who-what-when-where-why-how of what happened here. In all honesty? I'm not sure. This realm is...more convoluted than most, though its not without its charm._ _Call them parallel words, alternate timelines, or what-have-you, the answer remains the same. I didn't initially come here for her sake at all; on the contrary, t'was a far less noble purpose that first drew me into this realm. Or realms, I suppose. Back then I had never seen a universe with so many variants, so many opportunities. Routes, choices, decisions! SO! MUCH!_

 _Take a certain chap otherwise known as Shirou Emiya for example._

 _Would you believe me if I told there's more than one of him?_

 _Different choices._

 _Different outcomes._

 _Different personalities, even._

 _In some realms he became an entity known as Counter Guardian. In others, not. In some he lived happily ever after. In others, he died. In some, he didn't exist at all. Can you believe it? One road, many endings, or so I believe the saying goes._ _For a a then-young wandering deity like myself, a glutton who craved entertainment and delight above all else, it was a godsend. I could relive different stories, with different endings every time! Finally, relief from the sheer boredom of it all!_ _The idea of a war, of an item that could grant a singular wish, fascinated me. Moreso when I learned of the magic in the world and the mighty beings who could eventually be summoned to fight in it._

 _Thus I chose one of those "routes" and made my plans._

 _And I waited._

 _To be fair, I thought I possessed a certain grasp of the rules by then._ _In my arrogance, I thought I could simply barge right in, swipe some Command Seals off a certain asshat, then intrude as I always had, and not suffer any backlash whatsoever._ _Needless to say my "plan" if you could even call it such, didn't go over all that well. I helped some people, hurt others, and tried to manipulate everything, all in the name of a good time. Looking back, I'd like to give my foolish self a thrashing. Back then simply assumed all would be well in the end._ _How very wrong I was._

 _How very wrong indeed._

 _But still, we had fun._

 _Do I regret it?_

 _Ah, but I digress._

 _Heh, its a bit of an odd story, now that I think about it._

 _In all honesty I'm not sure I should even be writing this at all, lest-h_ _mm?_

 _Nero?_

 _Arturia?_

 _Ah, Saber-san?_

 _Darling? My dear wife?_

 _Owowowowowowowowowow!_

 _Alright, alright! I'll tell them, jeez!_

 _Basically_ _...multiverse theory's a bitch._

* * *

 _(...In an Undisclosed Area of Fuyuki...)_

* * *

 _Saber had not expected to be summoned._

Nay, _Nero Claudius Caesar Augustus Germanicus,_ Fifth Roman Emperor and great tyrant of legend, simply hadn't expected this outcome. She'd resigned herself to languish in the Throne of Heroes for all of eternity, to rot away and stew as war after war passed her by. There would be no great conquest for her, the field of battle would never call her name, nor would the distant opera know her voice evermore. Part of her had almost grown to accept the fact, though admitting it galled her pride.

Who would want to summon a conqueror forsaken by her own people?

Her true name corresponded to great evil in certain circles, and the end of her life had been a recchid and miserable one at that. Just as much as she was a a peerless emperor, she was also an artist with unshakable faith in her own genius, and the only absolute justice to her was a pure and peerless "beauty." Whether ally, enemy, her citizens, or herself, she refused to love anything that denied her precepts. This even held true even for a Master. If they were nothing but a crude, unseemly brute, she'd have naught to do with them. If they were unseemly, she would strike them down.

And thus, she was seldom summoned.

No magus in the world would wish to wield a weapon who based themselves solely upon beauty after all.

 _...Well, that's only natural.'_ she'd thought to herself. _'Magi are clever and calculating creatures; certainly not fools who would entrust their lives to me.'_

Which was precisely why she found herself so flummoxed now.

...what sorcery is this?"

 _"Ho? That almost sounds poetic. Shame it doesn't apply."_

Whipping about, she found only empty air.

Madness.

Who or what had brought her here?

Perhaps not so much summoned as _dragged_ back to this world by a powerful yet unseen force, the peerless empress in turn voiced her quiet dismay into the grove in which she now found herself. None of it made a lick of sense; one moment she'd stood alone, in the dark. The next, she found herself abruptly pulled from the black and unto the light. With that her armored shin began to protest most loudly and Nero realized she'd landed on bent knee and the cause for pins and needles aside, she was otherwise dirtying her pristine red-white gown. At this, the rest of the world rushed in, eager to make her acquaintance once more. The warm night air wrapped its arms around her body like a long lost friend, holding tight to her frame.

As she hazarded a glance for her surroundings, she found herself confronted with ever more questions.

There was the remains of the summoning circle beneath her of course.

The empty forest in which she stood.

That faint sensation of-

"Ah." a rough voice greeted her. "So this summoning business actually works. Remarkable."

 _"...?!"_

In a rush of air Nero found herself aware of a presence lurking behind her.

With a thought she summoned her ancient blade Aestus Estus to her hand and spun, bringing red sword's curving edge to bear against their throat. At least, that had been her intention. Instead she found her weapon all but stalled against an exposed forearm, carefully held back against the length of a clenched fist. A tattered red sleeve was all she glimpsed before her assailant counterattacked; with a raw heave they spun and flung her her over his shoulder sword and all, forcing the crimson-clad warrior to vault some distance away.

"Hey, now!" a touch of indignation colored the man's-for this was most certainly a man's-formerly placid voice. "Is that any way to treat your Master?"

"Hmph!" Nero grit her teeth despite herself. "And who are you?! Did you summon me?"

For a fleeting instant, she almost thought she saw a muscle jump in his jaw.

"Noooo, I just called you because I wanted to bask in your beauty."

"Answer me then," she growled, "Are you my Praetor?"

"What, you don't believe me? I'm hurt!"

She was not expecting...

...whatever this was.

Eyes the color of amber bored into her jade orbs with frightful intensity; those slitted cross-shaped pupils nigh narrow and intent. Framed by whiskered cheeks and a spiky mop of blond hair. There was a certain rugged beauty to behold in his features, though rough and unrefined. Likewise his clothing wasn't terribly exceptional, though she did applaud the dash of red and black mingled within his attire; despite the fact that the latter consisted of little more than a pair of darkened sandals and pants replete with pockets and a faded red tee, over which he'd thrown a battered orange jacket. Regardless of what she herself thought of _him_ he showed no fear of _her;_ nay, he strode towards her again, arms resting comfortably at his sides.

Upon reaching her, he dropped to a knee and extended hand upward to her royal personage, though whether in fealty or peace, Nero knew not.

Regardless, she wasn't prepared for the abrupt change of pace.

"The name's Naruto. Uzumaki Naruto." he began, stoically meeting her gaze in spite of this brief gesture of humility. "And you! Nero Claudius, fifth emperor of Rome, ruler beyond compare!" the veracity of his statement, and that of her true name, momentarily struck sense from her as well. "I humbly present my hand to you as a token of fealty and goodwill in this war to come. _Vivat diu Roma libera!"_

Saber's.

Eyes.

Got.

Really.

Big.

Nero physically felt her face begin to burn a thousand shades of red, such that she couldn't even begin to contain herself.

In short?

 _Steam._

"W-W-What nonsense is this?!" she blurted out, flailing away from him, words tumbling wildly out of her. "You cannot simply blurt out such drivel so soon upon our first meeting! More importantly! My true name! How do you know it?! Who are you really?! Aaargh! Explanations! I demand them! At once!"

"In that order?" her summoner inclined his head and stood, tapping a finger to his chin as he did so. "Alright. One, its not nonsense if its true. Two, yes I can. Three, because I'm a fuck-mothering god, that's how. I killed a LOT of people to get this title and I deserve to be called such. Fourth, I already told you who I am. As to whether or not I summoned you, well...

He held out his palm.

"See for yourself."

 _"I shall!"_

Fuming, she seizing his hand and peered at it.

Saber glimpsed it then, that eldritch symbol etched into his hand, a series of large rose petals that seemed to ripple in undulating waves. More than that, she felt a connection there; a presence synonymous with the fierce force that had reached out to her from the Throne of Heroes and called her...here. Wherever here was. Ah. The Command Seals. The summoning. Yes, it all added up.

The Holy Grail War.

A distant longing stirred deep within her breast at the thought of it; the chance that she might be able to fulfill her long-cherished wish.

But more importantly!

This one!

 _A god?!_

The tiniest thorn of pride pricked Nero and held her back from believing him; many a man and a magus had claimed to be such, but all had been brought low in the end. By her blade or otherwise. She refused to believe a verified deity was standing before her unless proof-utterly insurmountable proof-lay before her eyes. There could be no beauty in making such false claims to godhood. Some might call the mighty roman emperor a skeptic for this, but it was simply her way. It would take more-far more!-than mere word of mouth to convince her of this.

Stubbornly, Nero folded both arms before her bosom and turned to face her would-be master.

"Praetor or not, you cannot simply claim to be-

"Can. Am. Will." the blond replied with a chipper air. "Watch."

Raising his right hand, he indicated a nearby tree and snapped his fingers.

With a thunderous explosion of sundered timber the mighty oak shattered into a cloud of towering sawdust. Another snap of Naruto's fingers and from the dust a fully crafted cabin made of logs crashed to the floor in its place, roof and all. Saber blinked, momentarily taken aback. Ah, so this was what they called a log cabin, then? She'd never seen a home like this before. There was something enchanting about its humble design. Despite the instinctive awe she felt at such a feat, Nero frowned. An impressive trick to be sure, but by no means enough to convince her.

"Such a display is not-

"Wait for it."

As she looked on that very cabin inexplicably grew legs, picked itself up, and began to dance before their very eyes. Despite its complete and utter lack of a mouth. Midway through its melodious tune the blond whistled sharply and the cabin vanished, reappearing in his outstretched hand as a mere toy, one he neatly tucked into one of his many pockets. Saber saw it all. Her expression whirled madly between shock, awe, disbelief, awe, and a touch of very real concern. In the end, all she managed was an inelegant sounding:

 _"Wha?!"_

"See, told you." Naruto slung the words back in her face, beaming. "Do you believe me now?"

Maybe she did, maybe she didn't.

She refused to say.

 _Instead_ she whirled on him again.

"You! You...you're not entirely human, are you?"

"What gave it away?" again that light note of mockery. "Was it the eyes?"

...very well." realizing the futility of her efforts, Saber stifled a sigh. This one. Of course she'd be strapped with someone like this! One just as stubborn as she, no less! Well. At least he'd keep her on her toes throughout the war. And if she could claim the Grail then all the better. If she could just fulfill her wish, then perhaps...perhaps...

As though sensing that very thought, Naruto piped up once more.

"Well, the grail's actually corrupted-

"WHAT?!"

-and I fully intend to do something about that." the self-proclaimed deity continued without missing a beat. Indeed, he waved her very concerns aside with a flick of his fingers. "Don't worry; I'm an old hand at cleansing stuff. Shouldn't be too hard to purify it once we get our hands on it. So? What do you say?"

Yet again he extended his hand to her, this time with none of the sass by which she'd come to define him.

Nero flicked her gaze downward.

"What are you doing?"

"Sealing the deal." again that smile of his, shining like the sun! "Where I come from, we always shake when we make a promise...no, wait. I lie. It's just something I like to do. So? Whaddya say? Partners? You fight for me, and in return, I purify the grail. Then we round up a bunch of servants and go on grand adventures together. I think its pretty generous, don't you?"

Despite herself, Nero arched a slender eyebrow.

"You do realize I'll disappear once the deed is done, no?"

"God, remember? I can supply you with plenty of man, so no worries."

...fine, then!"

To her surprise, Naruto's hand was rough to the touch yet warm, scarred, but strong. His hand gripped hers in a firm vice, neither crushing, but not withholding either. A spark of surprise flickered through his face when she squeezed those fingers, threatening to break them through her own strength alone. Yet he felt...reliable, despite all he'd said and done. Was it foolish of her to think so? To blindly trust a man she'd only just met. If nothing else, she knew he'd never betray her. Nero couldn't explain just how she knew this, only that she did; that she'd felt it in that brief moment when their hands touched.

Naruto's chuckle, lighthearted as it was, almost made her wonder about his intentions, however.

"Right, right. We're set. But before we begin, I have just one question...

As she looked on, that smile became most twisted indeed.

 _...wanna conquer Fuyuki?"_

Nero blinked, baffled.

"Conquer, Praetor? For whom?"

Naruto boomed a laugh.

 _"Why, for ROOOOOOOME of course!"_

 **A/N: Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war! And there we have it! In all honesty, I was going to have Naruto summon Saber-Artoria-but in the end it just didn't quite fit with my plans. Let's face it, it would take a LOT of convincing to win her over, and it still will. I figured he and Nero would get along swimmingly-especially given their mutual interests and personality. Heh, it going to be one hell of a ride when those two arrive!**

 **Expect chaos to ensue!**

 **For those who are wondering, Naruto's not above breaking reality to get what he wants. Ergo, we might see some other heroes pop up in this story.**

 **So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

 **...Review, Would You Kindly?**

 **And enjoy the preview!**

 **(Previews)**

 _"DIBS ON THE BIG GUY!"_

 _"Praetor!"_

* * *

 _...will you just use Excalibur already? You're not even a bloody threat without your Noble Phantasm..._

 _Artoria Pendragon, otherwise known as King Arthur, the legendary King of Knights who controlled Britain was genuinely at a lost for words. She'd fought in countless battles, waged war against foes innumerable, legends that would shake the very foundation of the earth itself. But this...this..._

 _...this was new._

 _"What...what are you?"_

 _Naruto's body rose stiffly and reached down to reclaim his severed head._

 _With a swift twist of the wrist, it reattached itself._

 _"Right now?" he growled, "A little pissed."_

* * *

 _"Hello, mongrel!"_

 _Gilgamesh visibly twitched._

 _"You have some nerve, saying that to me..._

* * *

 _"Let's have some fun! A war to end all wars!"_

 _"Ha! I like the way you think!"_


	2. Cry Havoc

**A/N: ITS MY BIRTHDAY~!**

 **Consider this a reverse gift to you all!**

 **Also!**

 **Got a LOT of positive feedback on this, for which I can only bow and say thank you!**

 **As to the Saber question many of you have been asking, I can easily say this:**

 **YES.**

 **I spent hours agonizing over where and when to have this story take place. After all, the events of Fate Zero provided us with glorious battles and backstory, but in the same vein Fate Stay Night has its own unique charms as well, does it not? And then I hit upon an idea.**

 **Why not both?**

 **A Ninja's War will focus more on the events of Fate Stay Night/UBW, etc. Its also far more serious than this.**

 **Whereas THIS story, Not My Grail, goes straight for the meat of the matter with Fate Zero, and is a touch more lighthearted...**

 **...with a few twists.**

 **What can I say?**

 **Fate Zero's given me certain...feelings...towards a number of characters.**

 **I thought I hated Shinji before but holy CRAP do I despise Zouken!**

 **But for all those I hate, there are those I adore.**

 **Kiritsugu's an absolute BADASS, for one!**

 **And what poor, _poor_ Kariya suffered...**

 **Also, Nero's a treasure to write.**

 **Take this quote for instance:**

 _"I am filled with arrogance and greed. I am a wicked monster who lusts for glory more than peace and luxury more than stability. I am lovesick for whirling flowers, lovesick for searing fire, and fascinated by the brilliance of the long dead stars that litter the night sky. That is who I am. The tyrant who refused to change the way she lived, whose tyranny ran rampant through ire and wrath and condemnation! I am Nero Claudius! Nothing is eternal, save the one thing I know to be everlasting. Bear witness to my soul!"_

 **Bloody profound.**

 **An now, I proudly present the next chapter of...**

 **...Not my Grail!**

 **Also, if you guys and girls want a pure Fate Stay Night fic involving Nero and MULTIPLE servants, look up Nerve Damage by Crossycross. Its absolutely inspiring! A work of art!**

 **It also inspired a scene here regarding the Holy Grail...**

 **...and how it reacts to intruders in the war...**

 **I OWN NOTHING!**

 _"A note to my future self:_

 _Be careful when you screw with the Grail._

 _...a wish-granting device can bite you in the ass._

 _ALSO! Too many Sabers! Waaaaaaaaay too many Sabers!"_

 _~Naruto's journal._

 **Cry Havoc**

 _The Holy Grail fumed._

 _For an unmarked-unchosen!-Master had just intruded upon the war, before it could begin. It had not chosen this one! Liar! Deceiver! Usurper! A rogue deity that dared trespass upon its game! There could only be seven! Not eight! Wrong! It was all wrong, wrong, wrong! This new summoner possessed incredible powers far beyond those of a mere magus. Unfair! Not allowed! There could be no pain in such a one-sided battle! There must be grieving, suffering, loss! Destruction! Disaster! Despair! It must be this way! It must! Yet this interloper with his rogue summons would take all this away! Plural! As in more than one!_

 _This thought made Angra Mainyu rage all the more._

 _Not merely one, but three Sabers! Three!_

 _The first, an Emperor of Rome._

 _The second a being of destruction._

 _And the third...utterly unfathomable._

 _With them, the war would be easy._

 _Easy, with utter lack of effort._

 _No difficulty...whatsoever._

 ** _This would not stand._**

* * *

 _(...Earlier, In an Undisclosed Area of Fuyuki...)_

* * *

 _"...and that's why we're going to win."_

Nero stubbornly clamped her mouth shut as her Master finished explaining his plans to her. Even then, she felt a stray muscle jumping in her jaw. Too complex. Far, far, _far_ too complex! He'd spent the last three hours detailing a convoluted maze of plots, double crosses, traps and other minutia that had gone so far over her head she didn't think she couldn't take it any more! A master tactician she might well be, but the blond's plan seemed to border on insanity-nay, madness! What point was there in building alliances and then breaking them?! In deceiving everyone so?!

None of it made any sense and she told Naruto as much!

"That plan isn't beautiful at all!"

"Ah, but beauty is subjective." he hummed. "Wouldn't you agree, emperor?"

 _"No, it isn't!"_

For his part her Master took Saber's accusations in stride, barking an unruly laugh as he kicked aside a fallen tree. The sound echoed harshly through the trees as they walked, reminding her of their change in location. More trees. How boring. The Einzbern forest wasn't anything special in that regard; the few traps they'd encountered had been disarmed handily. If the enemy was at all aware of their presence, they had yet to make a move. Or perhaps they had, and the two of them were walking into a trap. It seemed foolish and unnecessary.

All for the purpose of meeting one man?

Just who was this Kiritsugu?

"If I REALLY wanted to cheat, I could simply eliminate the Masters before they summon their servants." Naruto reminded her, much to the Emperor's displeasure. "Ah, don't give me that look. I won't. There's no fun in that. However...

"However?"

"Hmm. Yeah." he nodded absently, thumbing his chin. "I think this spot will do. We _want_ to get his attention after all."

Then, without warning, he opened his arm from elbow to palm.

Nero nearly jumped.

 _"Praetor?!"_

"Ah, relax! If something like this could kill me I'd 'ave died a thousand times by now. No," he shook his head slowly, watching the blood drip from his wound to pool upon the floor. "Its part of the ritual. Even deities need a bit of this stuff, sometimes. Just watch. I promise you won't be disappointed. Just...be ready in case we get attacked."

Her expression must've been telling indeed, for Naruto noticed immediately.

A bout of boisterous laughter burst out of the blond.

"Still don't believe me, eh? I guess that's fine."

"Why are you so focused on this human?" Try as she might, Nero couldn't bring herself to understand why her Praetor was going to such lengths to attract the man's attention. By his own account he wasn't someone to be taken lightly. Yet here he was, performing a ritual on his very doorstep. Inconceivable! What was this ritual for, actually...?

She received her answer when the blond bent a knee.

"Hmm? You mean Kiritsugu?"

"Yes, that one."

"Well...

* * *

 _(...A Few Miles Away...)_

* * *

Emiya Kiritsugu jumped.

A great and mighty sneezed ripped its way through him all at once, causing his hand to scuff the edge of the summoning circle. Scowling, the mage killer went about correcting it. Their preparations had been nothing short of painstaking; he refused to see Iri's hard work go to waste. Yet, the faint feeling of being watched persisted. Unlikely. Only a master magi could slip through the Einzbern wards undetected, much less conceal themselves with this degree of skill and evade pursuit. No, it was impossible. None of his traps had been triggered.

Paranoia, most likely...

Still, somewhere, he had the distinct feeling _someone_ was talking about him.

And was that laughter he heard?

* * *

 _(...)_

* * *

...and that's precisely why I want to meet him."

Nero reluctantly restrained herself from a biting retort.

She could see the beauty in saving others; in basking in their praise and adoration. But what her Praetor was suggesting boggled the mind. He wanted to save someone who didn't want to be saved. Or might well not wish to _be_ saved. He spoke of altering a destiny that-according to him-was so set in stone as to be called fate. Again, Naruto's claim of godhood sprang to her mind. _Could_ such an outcome be overturned? For one with a power that transcended those of gods, it might well be possible. Yet the idea of overturning so many lives, solely on a whim.

"Praetor, you do realize you sound just as twisted as him, right?"

"Why do we fight?" Naruto countered. "For fame? Entertainment? For love? Power? Or to make a better world and make it a better place? For Kiritsugu, its the latter. Why do you think that is?"

"Because of humanity, I suppose."

"Indeed, humans are ugly creatures." Naruto continued, beginning to trace a symbol on the ground with his bloodied hand. "I should know. I used to be one. We're filthy. We scream and we shout and we rage. We steal. We hate. We crawl on the ground and curse those who learn to bear their burdens with pride, spit upon those who walk on their own two feet. In the end, we spend our lives trying to drag those determined few down to our level. Yet in the same vein some of us possess such a capacity for understanding, kindness, a wellspring of generosity, laughter, even love. Why is that?"

...I don't know."

"Then answer me this." the deity countered. "Why did you respond when I summoned you?"

"..."

"Because you're _mad."_ the blond stated. "Just like me. Like or not Nero, we understand each other."

Imperceptibly, his wolfish grin grew.

"That's why I've decided."

"Decided...?"

"You and I? We are going to _fuck_ this universe, right and proper." He declared stoically, grinding his fingers into a bloody fist. "Fuck it and all its evils right into the ground. Including the Grail. Once we have our little "chat" with good 'ol Kiritsugu, we're going to find Zouken of the Matou family and guess what? Imma burn the wormy bastard. We're going to find the Jubstacheit Einzbern and, guess what? Imma cut his head off. We're going to thrash Kirei Kotomine, then Archibald, an' that damn brat Ryuunosuke...

...yes, yes. I get it. you're going to kill them." Nero sighed, palming her face in an extravagant gesture. "I've got quite the bloodthirsty master, it seems."

"You're learning!" the whiskered warrior clapped his hands in agreement. "But, me? Bloodthirsty? Not at all! I'm doing this for their sake. There are some Masters in this war who honestly deserve a chance. They won't get that chance when you've got a band of pyschoctic magi running around. Ah but Tohsaka, Waver, Kiritsugu, and Kariya! I'd relish the chance to face _them_ in battle! If I die then so be it!"

"Do you have any idea how twisted that sounds?"

Naruto pulled on ahead, completing the circle with a flourish.

"To that effect, I plan to drag out-ahem, I mean _summon_ one more Servant before the War begins." Her silence proved telling, so he barreled onward. "I mean, it might break Heaven's Feel, but that's the intention isn't it? Anything that can stack the deck in our favor works for me."

"Am I not enough for you?!" Nero pouted. "And why here? The rules-

The sudden gleam in Naruto's eyes sent a cold shiver racing down her spine.

"Gods and Emperors are not bound by such drivel." he retorted, stamping a foot into the ground with a spark of golden light. "Did you follow the rules when you ruled Rome?! I think not! Therefore, in the words of a young man whose entirely too stubborn for his own good...

Blue eyes blazed crimson.

 ** _"Fuck the rules!"_**

Snarling, he spun and slammed his palm against the ground, fingers splayed.

A blinding green light answered him almost immediately.

Blinding in its intensity, Saber nearly recoiled from it outright; as though someone had just shone a great light through an almighty emerald. Dark tendrils of shadowy ether leaped from the circle, clawing at her Praetor in grisly relief, but he only laughed. Even as they threatened to take his very life, his smile didn't waver. If anything it grew even more crazed.

"Yes, that's it!" he cackled. "Take as much Prana as you need!"

Nero balked. "Have you gone made, Praetor?!"

If he heard her, he did little to show it.

 **"You who have been forsaken!"** the blond's voice intoned, like two great boulders grinding their way down the mountainside. **"You who dream an endless dream!"** those words rang out in a harsh mockery of the very ritual used to summon a heroic spirit, twisting it, corrupting the very circle itself. **"You who wish for salvation! I call to you! I am joy! I am destruction! I am hope! I am _all_ the evils of the world! If you would see your wish fulfilled, heed my voice!"**

With a thunderous cry, he removed his hand.

And the world burst into light.

 **"ARISE~!"**

The ensuing explosion nearly ripped Nero from her feet, forcing the Heroic Spirit to plant her blade into the soil lest she be hurled away. Even then the gale intensified; as though someone or something had reached across space and time itself to sunder the very fabric of existence. And through it all, Naruto's voice thundered with laughter.

Slowly, reluctantly, the smoke cleared.

A maiden in white.

That was Nero's first thought for her.

"Oh, thank _me._ " she heard Naruto groan in relief. "It's _her._ Would've been a _massive_ pain the ass if I got Berserker...

The stranger's eyes reluctantly drifted open at his cajoling, exposing a pair of blood red orbs.

Only then did this strange-looking newcomer deign to face the wandering deity fully.

Her shroud turned with her, nearly gracing the round as she turned toward him.

...Saber Class." she spoke softly. "I have responded to your summoning."

Then she saw Nero, and her gaze turned colder still.

"What is the meaning of this, Master?"

"Yo, Altera!" Rather than answer her inquiry, Naruto merely beamed and snapped off a sly salute. "Looks like that bit with the Umbral Star worked out well for you! How have you been?"

...have we met?" the rich tone of her voice cracked with confusion.

"Eh, let's just say I know _of_ you through various means, media and so on." the blond retorted, rolling his shoulders in an easy shrug. "Now before you start swinging the sword of Mars around like a battering ram, hear me out. You're not bound by Velber anymore in this incarnation and I'm not your enemy. Neither is Nero, here. That aside I _may_ need to fix/break the grail...

To Nero's disbelief, the avatar of destruction listened intently to the explanation that followed.

She did not question their Master in the slightest, but merely observed.

No challenge was issued against him despite his claims.

Only quiet acceptance of the facts, no more.

Just what kind of woman was this?!

...very well." when he finished, Altera surprised then with a slight nod. "I accept these terms. I will see you victorious. And my wish _will_ be granted."

It was not a question.

Naruto sketched a small bow.

"Welcome aboard, then."

With that, Nero's temper finally slipped its leash.

"Absolutely not!" Banishing her blade, the empress stormed forward and thrust a finger at the blond, jabbing him in the nose. "Praetor! Have you lost your mind?! Someone like her cannot possibly be trusted!"

This woman...she reeked of death.

Nay, more than that!

 _Destruction._

Here stood an emotionless killer who would kill anyone-anything-to achieve her goal. Nero herself was far from a saint, but at least she had _some_ morals! This one...was different. She would destroy everything. Nero didn't know how she knew this, only that she did. That aside, the strain of empowering two servants must be draining, even for one such as him. Nevermind that he'd _somehow broken ancient rules_ and successfully summoned a second servant, working with this one would mean absolute ruin!

"Hmm? Why?" Perhaps sensing that very thought, her Master tilted his head. "Because she's barely wearing anything? Aren't you two the same, then?"

"No!" she railed, flailing her arms! "That's different! I _allow_ them to see my beauty! Completely different!"

"So what you're saying is that you two aren't alike." he arched an eyebrow.

"You _are_ an unrivaled genius after all, right?"

"Umu!" Nero's head bobbed. "Of course I am! That's precisely why my wish-

"No." Altera interjected. My wish. Not yours."

"Nnrgh! We will have words on this, I promise you!"

"No, we won't." the destroyer replied.

 _"Aaargh!"_

"Right, right. Great." Naruto's head bobbed up and down in faux agreement as he pushed past them. "We're one big happy family. Behave, you two. Don't make me use a Command Seal. Now if we can all just get along lone enough for us to reach the-

No expected the summoning circle to ignite again.

It _had_ been glowing faintly, but no one paid it any heed.

Until now.

"What the hell?!"

Naruto sensed it first, grunting in mild annoyance as his prana-or what amounted to such-was suddenly and forcefully siphoned off by the new arrival. With a grunt, he flicked two fingers toward the circle in an attempt to dispel, only to find himself suddenly and violently repulsed by what seemed to be a bounded field. A fresh trio of symbols carved themselves into his arm as he looked on, like thorny brambles wrapping their way around a tree. Scarlet light flooded the clearing in response to his short-lived interference, growing darker with each passing moment. The heavens trembled. The earth shook. Reality itself threatened to reject them outright. Trees tore themselves asunder as the world itself threw itself into turmoil, parting to make way for the arrival of a being whose ambition knew no bounds.

"Ah, Master?"

"Don't look at me!"

A pillar of crimson sang.

And another warrior emerged.

If Altera disdained armor, this one worshiped it.

Unfortunately, Naruto had the misfortune of _recognizing_ this individual.

He'd done more than enough research to know what he'd inadvertently wrought.

"Oh, _fuck."_

A towering being clad in red and silver plate, their every feature was concealed by that of steel. A horned helmet like that of a demon turned towards them, cocking inquisitively After a moment of thought on its owner's part, a portion of that peerless helm folded backwards, exposing the concealed visage of its owner beneath that stern facade of steel. She was both fair of face and pale of skin with striking aqua eyes, her bound hair the color of fresh straw. A small smile adorned her fine-featured face, oozing confidence and arrogance. Thus grinning, she planted her blade into the soil before them, hands resting upon its hilt.

"I am Mordred, the one and true heir of Arthur Pendragon." she declared brazenly with every fiber of her being.

Pearly white teeth flashed in a demented grin.

"So I ask of you...are you my master?"

A moment of silenced passed.

Then...another.

Another still.

And then.

Then:

 _"HA!"_

Mordred had thought her entrance rather spectacular, even grand, all things considered. As such, the bloodthirsty knight was caught completely unawares when her prospective Master inexplicably flopped to the floor and started writhing about laughing like a mad hyena all the while. No, that would be an insult to hyenas! Yet still his mirth persisted in the face of her disbelief. Her honor in tatters, the Knight of Londinium felt her face grow increasingly hot with each passing moment. Her cheeks continued to burn until she could stand it no longer.

 _"Why the hell are you laughing, oi?!"_

"I'm laughing at my luck!" Naruto retorted, wiping a mirthful tear from his eye as he stumbled drunkenly to his feet. "I wanted another Saber, and now I've wound up with three! Did that Grail curse me or something? No, don't answer that. You asked he a question, didn't you?"

Dusting himself off, the Rogue Deity turned to face the Knight of Treachery.

"I suppose greetings are in order, Mordred." to Nero's ire, he sketched a deeper bow than he had for her. "You're the Third Saber I've summoned. Accidentally, of course. Ah, well. Lemons into lemonade and whatnot."

"Ha?" the knight's face scrunched in confusion. "What kind of bullshit is that? Its impossible to summon more than one-

"Yes, yes, as everyone is so fond of telling me! I could explain, but...

Naruto pinched the brow of his nose.

...no. You know what? I'm tired of waiting."

Mordred scowled.

"Oi, wait a minute, dumbass! What are you-?"

"We're going to meet the man himself! Everybody hold hands! So do I Command by the power of the Seals!"

 _"Praetor?!"_

 _"What do you-_

 _"Hey, whaaaaat-_

Despite varying degrees of complains, the trio of Sabers found they could do naught but comply. By their own accord they did as they'd been bade, creating a crude circle of sorts. What possible purpose could this serve? In the end Nero received her answers, starting slightly as Naruto clamped a hand down around her shoulder.

With a smirk he leaned in, his lips brushing the outer lobe of her ear.

"Might wanna hold your breath. Teleportation's pretty rough first time around."

Too late, the world shifted wildly around the four of them and she nearly vomited outright. By the time her vision cleared and her stomach mastered itself, it was already too late. With a start she realized they'd forsaken the forest for favor of a castle, trees replaced by grands halls and ornate furniture. And there, at the end of this seemingly impeccable hall, a pair of ornate door stood. Even now Naruto was marching steadfastly towards them, Altera and a slightly mystified Mordred in tow...

...leaving her behind.

"Hey!" she bristled, racing after them. "Wait for me! Wait I said! Imperial Privilege!"

She'd only just reached Naruto when he reared back and raised up his leg.

"ORAH!"

With a thunderous shout, the whiskered deity kicked the doors down.

 _"Kiritsugu, I've come to bargain!"_

 **A/N: Okay, okay, so I had to delay that bit with Gilgamesh until next chapter.**

 **Its gonna be HUGE and I didn't want to squeeze it in there at the end.**

 **Clarification!**

 **THIS Nero has yet to experience the events of Fate Extra/CCC/Extella, which is why she doesn't recognize Altera or show her any immediate hostility. Neither has our maiden in white. In short, they are essentially past versions of themselves from a different timeline. Mordred, however, is still very much _Mordred_ and she's gonna be a lot of fun to write. Fate Zero is so tragic, and I feel that a few characters could do with some otherworldly intervention...but for better or ill remains to be seen.**

 **We get a look at Kiritsugu and the others next chapter...**

 **...and yes, there's gonna be some surprises.**

 **Heh, weren't expecting this, were you?**

 **Fate Zero with multiple servants!**

 **Expect chaos to ensue!**

 **For those who are wondering, Naruto's not above breaking reality to get what he wants. Ergo, we might see some other heroes pop up in this story.**

 **So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

 **...Review, Would You Kindly?**

 **And enjoy the preview!**

 **(Previews)**

 _"Wait, wait, wait. You mean to tell me everyone's summoned multiple-_

 _"ARRRRRRTUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURIAAAA!"_

 _Two swords swung down intercepting her._

 _"Bad Mordred! DOWN!"_

* * *

 _Another warrior?_

 _Unfortunately, Nero had the misfortune of knowing this individual._

 _A striking women of peerless form clad in jet black plate, she was both fair of face and pale of skin. What little could be seen of the latter. Her hair, the color of rusted violets, her eyes, blood. In her right hand she carried a crimson spear of impossible length, in the left, its twin. And yet she seemed sad, somehow. Her shoulders bore an invisible burden that threatened to leech the very light from her eyes, such was her pain._

 _Her reputation alone preceded her._

 _"So...lemme guess...Scathach?"_

 _Her lance found his throat in an instant._

 _"Shall I show that, if you reach the extremes of a spear blow, it is possible to kill even gods?"_

 _"Um...no, please?"_

* * *

 _"Wait a minute, she can do that?!"_

 _"Hm? So knowledge of such things escape your grasp. Imagine, my own praetor, so robustly informed of so many divine myths and history, completely at a loss! Oh, how woeful! How sad! I suppose the results speak for themselves, after all..._

 _"Sarcasm does not become you, Nero."_

 _"Ah? Master? You DO realize that I wasn't being-_

 _"Nope! That's it! I've had enough! EVERYTHING DIES!"_

 ** _R &R~!_**

 ** _=D_**


	3. The Eve of Battle

**A/N: Onward and upward!**

 **Than you again for all your support!**

 **But there's a burning matter that needs to be addressed before we get into things, because I am STEAMED!**

 **In regards to KamikageRyuuketsu, seriously? You're going to threaten to hack ME, of all people? Because you didn't like my Imperfection story? I didn't make you read it by any means. You had the choice to simply click away and go elsewhere. You could've just settled for leaving a nasty review, even. You could've stopped there and that would've been the end of it. We could've let bygones be bygones and I wouldn't have given you a second thought.**

 **But you didn't stop there.**

 **Instead, you choose to rant and spit and curse and THREATEN me? Me?! Of all people? To threaten to hack me?! Well, I've got some news for you, bub! I know more than a few hackers myself. So let me give YOU a warning, you little stain. You see, I've been sharing information these past few days and it turns out I'm not the only one you torment; in fact, you've threatened other people with the same or WORSE.** **Everyone's already reported you for harassing and threatening others. Get the hell of this site, maggot!** **If you EVER follow through on those threats I'll be on you like ugly on an ape!**

 **And joke's on you, buddy! I have SEVERAL backup accounts, which I've been using to update in case of this very eventuality.**

 **I won't bother naming them here.**

 **You'll never even see them.**

 **You won't find them.**

 **So, in the ancient words of Atlas...**

 **...fuck off, would you kindly?**

 **Now, putting that twat-waffle aside, let's get back to it, eh?**

 **Sorry to keep you all waiting! Here it is at long last!**

 **And now, I proudly present the next chapter of...**

 **...Not my Grail!**

 **Naruto picks a fight~!**

 **Remember, this is meant to make you all SMILE.**

 **Try not to take it TOO seriously~!**

 _"GRRR!"_

 _"No. Bad girl! Use your words! Now, let's try again. You are...?"_

 _"...Ber~ser~ker."_

 _"Good girl! Now...paw!"_

 _"...hmm!"_

 _"Umu! Well done!"_

 _"She's okay with that?!"_

 _"Honestly, I don't know what to expect with this one..._

 _~?_

 **The Eve of Battle**

 _"Hello, mongrel!"_

Gilgamesh twitched.

If there were one word that could truly provoke a reaction in the King of Heroes it was _that_ word. Merely hearing it spoken from the lips of another was enough to send him into paroxysms of boundless fury. Speechless, he rounded on the voice, wondering who possessed the gall-the unmitigated gall!-to speak to him that way. That was HIS word! His! It belonged to him and him alone! All others were naught but mongrels beneath _him!_ For some rabid dog to utter his own phrase against him was the ultimate sign of disrespect and demanded death!

"Who gave you permission to speak to me that way, filth?" he growled, gritting his teeth. "Reveal yourself!"

He half-expected an outright refusal; thus it came as a somewhat pleasant surprise when his accuser complied with his wishes.

The air beside him rippled like water, and someone emerged.

"Don't get your Gate of Babylon in a twist, goldie. _I'm right here."_ A hand clamped down jovially on his shoulder, causing the King to jerk his arm away; more in disgust than actual surprise. "Aw, come on! Relax! Don't go firing off your Noble Phantasms, jeez! You'll ruin Tokiomi's garden."

Giglamesh twitched.

"You...mongrel...

He didn't care for the Servant's tone, much less his appearance.

He took the intruder in at a glance; distantly noting a pair of bemused blue eyes and whiskered cheeks. Blond hair, red horns jutting out of the latter. He looked entirely too pleased with himself, as though he knew some great secret known only to himself. As he looked on, the intruder gave him a small, mocking bow. That smirk never once left his face. And his outfit! Gaudy. Tacky. A coat of unrefined colors, as chaotic as its master. But beyond that, there was a a far more pressing matter that needed-nay, demanded!-to be addressed at this very moment...!

"You dare stand on the same ground as me?!"

The blond arched an eyebrow.

"Eh? Is that a problem?"

 _"Know your place!"_

A thought opened the Gate of Babylon in its entirety.

Countless weapons emerged from within, quivering at the ready.

Another thought sent them screaming into the horned man's unprepared chest.

"Oh, shi-

The intruder had a mere millisecond to comprehend their sudden and immediate peril before they found themselves skewered from head to toe by every weapon known to man. And a few that weren't. The sheer force of the impacts launched them from the roof of the Tohsaka manor and flung them down to the ground where they were promptly impaled with dozens more. Only when his body was rendered little more than a pincushion of vaguely human proportions was Gilgamesh satisfied and his wrath slaked. Filthy mongrel! To think, he'd wasted that many treasures on him!

"Imbecile." he scowled down at the twitching corpse. "Repent for your foolishness in the afterlife!"

POOF.

A plume of smoke answered him.

 _"What?"_

Craning his neck, the King of Heroes found himself staring at the sword-studded ground...and realized the distinct lack of a corpse. Oh, there was certainly blood to be seen amongst the graveyard of blades, but where was the body? He'd not seen such a trick before. What manner of magecraft was this? Sorcery? The ability of some Servant he'd not yet seen? Impossible. He knew all. Saw all. His wisdom, infinite. So what was this, then? Yet the idea idea that some random mongrel had somehow managed to both irk and miraculously escape him seemed so ludicrous that he actually considered going down there to see for himself-

"Sorry." a stray voice hissed in his ear. "I've always been a slow learner."

Gilgamesh wasn't called the King of Heroes for nothing.

In the time it took the intruder to bring down his arm upon the King of Uruk he was already bound; his limbs ensnared by countless lengths of unbreakable chain. Fool. Did he truly think he could strike him? Now not only had he bound the opponent's weapon, limbs, shoulders, neck, and abdomen, but he'd rendered them completely immobile. Even now, Enkidu's chains continuously twisted and tightened with incredible force; bending the mongrel's limbs in utterly impossible directions, all but threatening shear off his head prematurely. Whatever petty trick he'd mustered to escape before wouldn't do him any good now; he wasn't even worthy of the King's gaze, for he'd already resolved to pierce his heart here and now, lest he repeat such an attempt.

"You're nothing but a fool grasping at straws. Did you really think you could best me alone?"

Only then did he deign to face the fool who'd sought to oppose him.

He wasn't expecting said fool's laughter.

"I'm not trying to beat you, idiot."

 _Enough!_

With a snarl, Gilgamesh backhanded the intruder even as he dragged a blade from the Gate of Babylon. The golden sword gleamed viciously in the night for but a moment before its beauty was sullied by the blond's blood, sheathed in his chest. Galling as it might have been to actually raise his hand against an opponent, it was far more preferable to experiencing his insipid laughter a second time! Irked by such a thought, the King of Heroes gave his treasure a hard wrench in the wound, causing his victim to twitch. Yet still that annoying smile didn't falter. Indeed, the intruder saw the blade protruding from his chest, and _instead of dying like any sane Servant should,_ he laughed all the more!

"Hahahaha! Oh, stop, that tickles!"

What madness was this?!

For a fleeting moment the King of Uruk actually considering unleashing Ea, if only to silence this mongrel once and for all. That desire was intensified tenfold by what came next. As one, the chains of Enkidu stiffened. Their shimmering lengths went stiff as their captive tensed every muscle in his body at once. In response the Noble Phantasm constricted even further, biting deep into the horned servant's flesh. Still he struggled, staining their links crimson. The absurdity of his fool efforts almost brought a smile to the King's face. A mongrel indeed! These chains were made to bind the very gods themselves! Even if this one wasn't true divinity such as they, he'd be hard-pressed to move, much less escape without shearing his own limbs off-

CRUNCH.

His first realization that the enemy Servant had escaped _Enkidu_ came in the form of blazing pain in his forehead.

The fool had somehow headbutted him?!

"MONGREL! You dare touch me?!"

"Oh, I dare!"

Startled by the unexpected attack, Gilgamesh staggered back half a step, clutching his face. A jarring line of red dashed itself across his vision; the sudden impact causing him to momentarily lose his grip on the treasure he'd thrust into his opponents chest. In that instant the rest of the blond's body spun away in a bloody spiral, uncaring of its torn flesh to leave the chains slack and loose behind him. Bereft of its target, Enkidu retreated back through the Gate, leaving the great golden king agape at the mishmash sigh of body parts before him. One in particular.

"Ahhhh, that really hit the spot! I had the worst crick in my neck!"

A head.

A.

Head.

He saw a head.

Gilgamesh was looking at a severed head hovering before him, utterly unfettered by gravity or reality.

That damn smile was bad enough.

Now it was _talking_ to him!

"Eh? What's wrong, goldie? Why so serious?" the intruder's disembodied facade tilted aside, grinning even as bits of gore dripped from its severed throat. "Chains are useless if they've got nothing to bind them with, right? So I made them tear me apart and BAM! I'm free! Hasn't anyone tried that? No? Just me?"

What kind of logic was that?!

"I...you...that's not...

"Right, right, you're probably confused." the severed head bobbed in agreement. "Don't worry about me; just need a second to pull myself back together. See?"

With another lilting laugh the man did just that; as Gilgamesh looked on agape, his torso abruptly righted itself, somehow sitting up despite its complete and utter lack of limbs. With an impossible hop the crimson cadaver reattached its legs, followed shortly by its arms. His head followed suit a moment later, neatly reattaching itself atop the mangled stump that had once been his neck with a pop. A flicker of light, and then even that wound found itself replaced with healthy pink skin, pristine save the bloody stains that hinted at the once grievous injuries. This...this went beyond mere magic. Even a divine being couldn't ignore wounds such as those.

"Aaaaaaand done." he grunted, rolling his shoulders. "Now, can we talk?"

A muscle jumped in Gilgamesh's jaw.

"I give you one chance to identify yourself, mongrel. Waste it not."

"Aha! That's more like it, goldie!" a laugh boomed out of the blond as he sketched a bow, this one somehow harsher than the last. "As for me, The name's Naruto. Uzumaki Naruto, if we're being specific. I'm no one special really, just your average Prankster-turned-Conqueror-turned-Overlord-turned-Deity wandering about the multiverse looking for a laugh. You know. That sort of thing. My legend isn't particularly known around these parts; probably because I'm not _from_ these parts. Or this universe. With me so far?"

He dared to jest?!

"I told you not to waste-

"Wait, wait, there's more! I know you as well!" the whiskered warrior interjected, thrusting a finger forward before Gilgamesh could shower him with a fresh rain of death. "Actually did my damn research this time. You're the King of Uruk. Gilgamesh. King of Heroes. Wielder of the greatest treasures known to man. Otherwise known as Archer in this War-

"Ho? I'm surprised you know my identity."

-and cherished friend of Enkidu." the horned warrior finished with a small smirk. "Your one and only friend. You named that chain of yours after them, didn't you?

The smile vanished.

"Silence! How do you know that name?!"

"Eh?" those slitted blue eyes blinked in momentary confusion. "Look, I just told you, didn't I? Research! I did a fair bit of reading before I barged in here. Kinda begs the question, though. If Enkidu was originally a lump of clay to begin with, does that make him/her genderless? I mean, it kinda _looks_ like a woman, but still-hey?!"

 _Shing!_

His hand snapped up in the same instant that Gilgamesh lobbed a spear at him from the Gate; nimbly catching the legendary lance in his right hand. With a grunt he raised it high and slammed it down, breaking it over his knee as though it were naught but a flimsy stick. Shattered, the treasure vanished in a shower of golden dust to the Gate of Babylon. Even as Gilgamesh summoned another the horned deity scowled. A strange sigil blazed into existence in his eyes and the King's world slanted sideways, a nauseating sense of vertigo overtaking him.

Another petty trick?!

"Would you kindly cut that shit out?!" Naruto's figure swam in and out of focus before him for a fleeting instant before reality reasserted itself once more. "I told you; I didn't come here to fight." the deity snarled. "I came to bargain. And me damnit, you're going to listen to what I have to say whether you want to or not! _And you're going to like it!"_

His words gave the King of Heroes pause.

He trusted the gods not, least of all this trickster.

Still, the way he'd phrased the latter had caught his attention.

Being confined to the Tokiomi estate wasn't simply boring; it was maddening! He longed to venture out and see what this world had to offer, to do _something!_ Anything! And if this world wasn't interesting, then it was not worthy of his attention nor his time. For a man who'd sampled nearly ever pleasure there was to offer, boredom was his worst fear. And Tokiomi was so very...boring. Dull, even. His every action was measured and taken against an equal and opposite reaction. Always thinking, thinking, _thinking!_ Not interesting at all!

He'd gladly welcome a diversion from that!

...speak, then."

"Aw, don't be like that!" Naruto beamed, suddenly the contrite jester once more. "I come bearing gifts! Behold!"

With a flourish of his cloak the deity did just that; space and time unfolding before his whim to reveal his "gift", as he dubbed it. That gift turned out to be a bound man with startling orange hair in plain clothes. Seemingly harmless, limbs trussed up behind his back, he nevertheless floundered upon the upturned earth like a fish out of water, shrieking hysterically. Remarkably, he hadn't been gagged. His blindfolded face jerked this way and that, frantically searching for the sudden cause of his pain.

"W-What the hell is this, man?!" Ryuunosuke Uryuu gibbered. "This isn't cool at all! You said there would be blood! Corpses! Ar-ack?!"

His pleas dissolved into a strangled scream as Naruto plucked one of Gilgamesh's many treasures from the ground and drove it point-first into the young man's thigh. It was a clean thrust, pinning the limb to the ground in grisly red relief. Under normal circumstances the King of Heroes would've bristled at such casual use of his weaponry, but something about the the victim's wails were oddly...satisfying. As he looked on, the horned warrior dropped to his haunches before his victim, sliding a clawed hand beneath his chin. The other undid the blindfold, exposing a pair of beady, terrified eyes.

"Ah, rest assured, Ryuunosuke-kun." he cooed. "There will be art."

"R-Really?" hope dawned in his gaze.

Until Naruto snuffed it out.

"Yes. You're it."

"What?! No-

His words found themselves muffled as the blond bound the blindfold over his mouth. Even then Gilgamesh could see the terror in the young man's eyes. He was looking at hum, pleading him, begging to be saved. Such a mongrel. If he had strength, then he should use it to save himself.

Nevertheless, his curiosity was aroused.

"What is the meaning of this?" he inquired. "What purpose does that one serve?"

"Hmm?" Naruto sighed, running a bloodied hand across the ground in a complex series of formula. "This one? He's an annoying serial killer that I caught a few hours ago. I didn't have much use for him at first. Hell, I was simply going to kill him to keep him out of this war. But then I remembered you, goldie! And I thought to myself, Naruto, this is a great opportunity! Let's hold onto him for just a bit! It wasn't hard. I just needed to find a piece of their "flesh" from back then, as it were. Pretty easy when you've got access to a time machine. So let's put ol' scum-san's death to good use, eh?"

 _Flesh?_

 _Time machine?_

"This my gift to you, King of Heroes."

Grunting, he clasped both hands together.

 _"Edo Tensei."_

As Gilgamesh looked on in quiet contemplation a fierce light erupted from the seals painstakingly traced in blood, a thousand snakes of dark ink and scarlet racing as one toward the prone Ryuunosuke. The murderer saw them immediately and some primal part of his brain must've recognized them for what they were; for he immediately attempted to crawl away. It availed him naught. His feeble attempts to escape only seemed to excite the living runes; they closed on him with renewed ferocity in a storm of earth and ash, rapidly enclosing his torso even as he writhed and bucked.

At the last instant, the gag finally came loose.

"What the hell is this?!" he cried. "Get if off! Get offa-

With a muffled shriek, Ryuunosuke was devoured whole.

All that remained was a vaguely human form enclosed in clay.

Naruto clapped his hands and the earthen paper crumbled away to dust.

Revealed was a striking figure clad in white cloth, their damp green hair trailing across the ground. Gilgamesh's heart-or what amounted to it-momentarily skipped a beat at the sight. Though their skin was cracked and in disarray, still, he knew them. Kneeling, they showed no sign of life, save for the faint rise and fall of their chest. A pair of striking jade orbs opened, then blinked. Narrowed. Widened. Trembling hands arose with tentative fear, palming their face and chest in disbelief. One Gilgamesh shared. His mind nearly rejected the sight out of hand, but a thorn of emotion pricked him and held him back at the last.

Then they saw him.

"My king...?"

 _Ah..._

He knew that voice. How long had it been since he'd last heard it? How long since he had lain in those arms?

No.

That was impossible.

They'd been dead for eons, now.

This couldn't possibly be, no...it couldn't...

Fury clashed with sorrow, and neither triumphed.

"But wait," a resounding voice cut through the threads of his thought. "There's more! RINNE TENSEI!"

Those eerie blue orbs burned a violent shade of violet and Enkidu-for this was truly his friend of yore-writhed in pain for but a moment, their mouth opening in a silent scream. And then it was done. The broken fissures in their skin closed, then faded altogether. The pale pallor of their skin assumed a healthy shade as minor deformities abated and were banished outright. Their task complete, the glyphs slowly melted away. Pleased with his work, the horned blond patted the newly resurrected individual on the head and murmured something to them. Whatever words spoken in that moment were lost to Gilgamesh, for his ears defied him.

In the end, he needn't have worried.

"Well, what are you waiting for?" Naruto prodded Enkidu once in the back, drawing a slight yelp from them. "I didn't revive you so you could sit there like an idiot. Go see your friend already!" When the latter didn't budge, likely from the shock of being returned to the mortal realm, the deity rolled his eyes and did the unthinkable. "For crying out loud, if you won't move, I will!"

"Catch!"

He tossed her.

Gilgamesh's body moved.

Before he realized it he'd bolted to his feet and raised his arms. His treasured friend landed neatly in his arms, sputtering wordlessly.

Gilgamesh was of the same mind!

"You...what have you...why...?!"

"Just shut up and accept my generosity, Gilgamesh." the blond sighed, using his name for the first time in their meeting. "As much as I ship the two of you together, I also did this to even the playing field. Now, my work is done! Naruto away!"

 _Ship...?_

Then he paused.

"Oh, I nearly forgot. Gil, you're half-god and half-human, right?"

Gilgamesh glowered, his joy momentarily forgotten.

...what is your point, mongrel?"

Naruto beamed.

"See, that's just it! Doesn't that make you _...half mongrel?"_

A terrible silence fell over the mansion.

Gilgamesh grit his teeth.

"You...you _dare..._

Enkidu paled.

"Oh, dear."

With a snarl, the King of Heroes summoned Ea.

 _"ENUMA ELISH!"_

 **A/N: FULL CREDIT TO SlippyVa for that mongrel joke at the end!**

 **YES, I just reunited Lancer and Enkidu.**

 **WOE to any who come between them.**

 **And to make things easier, I'm just going to say _her_ when I refer to Enkidu in this story. Yes, yes, I know the matter is muddled, but its damn hard to write androgynous characters!**

 **I felt ol' goldie deserved his chance to shine in this chapter, and I think it turned out really well. Lemme know what you think! Also,**

 **Clarification!**

 **THIS Nero has yet to experience the events of Fate Extra/CCC/Extella, which is why she doesn't recognize Altera or show her any immediate hostility. Neither has our maiden in white. In short, they are essentially past versions of themselves from a different timeline. Mordred, however, is still very much _Mordred_ and she's gonna be a lot of fun to write. Fate Zero is so tragic, and I feel that a few characters could do with some otherworldly intervention...but for better or ill remains to be seen.**

 **We get a look at Kiritsugu and the others next chapter...**

 **...and yes, there's gonna be some surprises.**

 **Heh, weren't expecting this, were you?**

 **Fate Zero with multiple servants!**

 **Expect chaos to ensue!**

 **For those who are wondering, Naruto's not above breaking reality to get what he wants.**

 **Ergo, we might see some other heroes pop up in this story.**

 **So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

 **...Review, Would You Kindly?**

 **And enjoy the preview!**

 **Mind you, they are ROUGH, but still!**

 **REJOICE~!**

 **(Previews)**

 _Kiritsugu considered himself a practical man._

While he both acknowledged and disdained sorcery, he accepted facts. Reality. You couldn't save everyone. To save someone, you had to abandon someone else. Sometimes the needs of the many outweighed the needs of the few. His entire past stood in testament to this.

 _"_ _Kiritsugu, I've come to bargain!"_

 _Needless to say he was more than a tad flummoxed by this intruder._

 _...why the long face?"_

 _"Hmm? Oh, nothing." The blond remarked flippantly. "Just lost a clone, that's all. Damn shame. I actually made that one pretty durable."_

 _A clone?_

 _"I...see..."_

 _"You really don't, but that's besides the point."_

 _"And you are?"_

* * *

 _"Huh, I wonder if Ascension works in this-WHOA MAMA!"_

 _Naruto's jaw nearly dropped at the sight of "Lancer"._

 _"Now that's an Artoria!"_

* * *

 _Tokiomi gazed at the bracelet and frowned._

 _For some reason the damn thing was fused to his arm._

 _Try as he might, he couldn't seem to remove the odd creature._

 _"What is this?"_

 _"Oh, just a little something I cooked up." the horned deity remarked, knocking another bottle of wine back. "It gives you a 100+ resistance to backstabbing. Handy right? You'll definitely thank me for this later."_

 _"But why give me this? I'm your enemy."_

 _Something dangerous flickered in those ice-blue orbs._

 _"Because I want to see you FIGHT! STRUGGLE! CRAWL! FOR THAT IS THE WAY OF THE WORLD!  
_

* * *

 _Illya blinked._

 _She looked up, up and UP, and still had to crane her little neck as far as she could just to see the stranger's face. With a dismissive flick of his wrist he disposed of the Servant sent to kill her, casting his sundered remains onto the ground. After a moment they dissolved into specks of harmless blue light, trickling away into the night. As she looked on the strange glowing man turned, shouldering a sword as large as he was tall, its curved edge still dripping with the remnants of his enemy's blood._

 _Odd, how that didn't frighten her now._

 _Then her savior saw her._

 _"Hey, Illya-chan~!" he rumbled, flashing her a toothy grin. "Sorry about all that, I honestly didn't expect that fucker to go after-ah, shit. Language. I mean damnit! Aw, piss."_

 _Mama had always told her not to trust strangers, but this man didn't look like a stranger. Besides, he knew her name. He must be he a friend of Kiritsugu._

 _Wasn't he?_

 _"Who are you?"_

 _The horned man grinned._

 _"Honestly? I'd settle for Onii-chan."_

* * *

 _"Kayneth, you're fired."_

 _"Who are you to say such a-_

 _With a rush of air, the floor dropped out beneath him._

* * *

 _"Gahahaha! I like you! Any chance you'd consider joining my army?"_

 _"I might consider it..._

* * *

 _"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTHUUUUUUUUUUUUR!"_

 _Mordred grunted in surprise as Berserker descended on her in a storm of blows._

 _"Tch! Nimble bastard! Hold still! AND I'M NOT ARTHUR, DAMNIT!"_

 ** _R &R~!_**

 ** _=D_**


	4. Assassinating Expectations

**A/N: (EDIT:) THIS IS NOT AN UPDATE! I merely deleted the Author's Note Chapter and added a few things. No idea why the site seems to think this is an upate, which is really odd...**

 **Anywho, o** **nward and upward!** **Thank you again for all your support!** **I do apologize for the brief author's note chapter earlier.** **Even now the site STILL seems to be having problems!** **I'm getting notifications HOURS after I put them up! What the heck?!**

 **Now, onto your questions! Starting with the most important!**

 **Q: Wait, wait, wait! Which Master has who?!**

 **A: I'm so very glad you asked! In italics:**

 _The previews reveal them, but, well y'see..._

 _Naruto: He has Altera, Nero, Mordred. Plus a..._

 _Kiritsugu: This chapter reveals his Servants._

 _Waver: Iskandar and ? as well as ?_

 _Kariya: Lancelot and naturally...?_

 _Tokiomi: Gilgamesh and Enkidu._

 _Kayneth: ? and of course ?_

 _Kirei: Hassan and ?_

 _Mystery Master!_

 **Q: So, everyone's getting multiple servants, eh?**

 **A: Indeed. Some might have two. Others three.**

 **Imma say it right now, Naruto's head over heels for all Saber...and those resembling them.**

 **Q: Naruto likes to meddle, doesn't he?**

 **A: What can I say? He takes perverse pleasure in confusing people. When you're a bored deity you take what little pleasures you can get. Not to say Naruto's evil by any means. Nor is he the hero of this story. If anything, I'd call him a nicer version of Kirei in that regard. Someone who enjoys being entertained but doesn't take pleasure in the suffering of others. He won't kill you if you bore him like Gilgamesh, either. He's seen all there is to see and turned off his foresight for the sole sake of having fun.**

 **Q: Has this Naruto visited other worlds in the Nasu universe?**

 **A: I imply as much in this chapter, but to simplify it? Yes. I'll come right out and say it. He's even responsible for saving one unintentionally, and didn't bother with the Grail in that world. He aided Shirou from the Miyuverse. Trampled the Ainsworth family. Thanks to him "that" Shirou protected the wish of a young girl, while he destroyed the Cards himself. Miyu actually got her happy ending in that story as did Sakura, but due to a horribly tragedy, Naruto doesn't remember any of his time in that universe.**

 **Rather, he can't.**

 **The best way to describe "that" Naruto would be one who has witnessed the undeniable "truth" of the life and in despair, sealed off his memories after acquiring some of its secrets for himself.**

 **Rule-Breaker, is one of them.**

 **Ah, but that's another story, one that will be told later...**

 **Q: So its a Master mix-up thanks to Naruto, then?**

 **A: Yes, Ryunosuke is a dead duck. Meaning a new master will take his place. Its almost painfully obvious who that'll be.** **For that matter, Naruto isn't above stealing Servants if he disapproves of their masters. Kayneth, would be a prime example of this. Hell, he might die before he summons anyone, leaving the task to his wife. In short? This story can go in ANY direction at this point. Helps having a bit of suspense, no?**

 **Q: What does Naruto want?**

 **A: In a word? Entertainment. He hopes the Grail can grant him this, but, well...you can't just...no, its better if I don't say it.**

 **Sorry to keep you all waiting! Here it is at long last!**

 **And now, I proudly present the next chapter of...**

 **...Not my Grail!**

 **Remember, this is meant to make you all LAUGH.**

 **Smiles are needed during these crazy times.**

 **Try not to take it TOO seriously~!**

 **FOURTH WALL BREAKS AHOY!**

 _"I am the Lord of Ramen. Noodles are my body. Broth is my blood..._

 _"DON'T YOU DARE!"_

 _~?_

 **Assassinating Expectations**

Tokiomi was beginning to wonder if he'd contracted a curse of some sort.

Conversely, an outsider might think he'd been blessed with incredible luck. Recent events had certainly tilted in his favor. In the last hour alone he'd managed to successfully summon Gilgamesh, King of Heroes and quite possibly _the_ most powerful Servant known by man. Then the number of Servants under his command had inexplicably increased from one to...two. By some miracle, fate had seen fit to gift him with another Servant. And not just any Servant but the legendary Enkidu himself, fated friend to Gilgamesh! _The_ Enkidu by all accounts. Together, they would be unstoppable. With this, his already astronomical chances of winning this war and reaching the Root had increased exponentially. Oddly enough, the drain wasn't as taxing as he'd feared. Indeed, it felt as if he were barely sustaining a single Servant rather than two.

Ah, but that was where his luck began to turn.

Perhaps he'd simply miscalculated.

Perhaps he'd forgotten Gilgamesh's nature.

Perhaps he'd underestimated the generosity of a king.

Whatever the case, Tohsaka Tokiomi found himself nursing a pounding migraine and praying to high heaven that it would all go away. Why, you ask? The answer was almost mundane by comparison. You see, _both_ his Servants were presently getting soused to their heart's content down in the wine cellar to celebrate their most cherished reunion. They were being very, very, VERY loud indeed. Apparently Gilgamesh was overjoyed to finally be reunited with his cherished companion once more. Even that Tokiomi could have tolerated. The reunion of friends was something to admired after all, even if a part of him couldn't truly understand it. Yes, this would have been all well and good if the one responsible for this mess wasn't sitting in _his_ chair, eating his food, and _drinking his wine!_

That was a priceless vintage the blond buffoon had stolen from him!

But no, what truly confounded Tohsaka was his...companion.

A little girl clad in black.

Eyes of gold with hair of snow, she seemed little more than a harmless child at first glance; albeit one doted upon by a caring parent. Little more than a mere slip of a girl, she heartily devoured the feast set out before her at the table with near reckless abandon. How did that old saying go? Her eyes were larger than her stomach. Yes, that was it. This girl...no-Tokiomi corrected himself, not a girl...but something else entirely. What girl wore clothes like that? What manner of fell child carried that many knives on her person? Those innocent eyes deceived at first sight, but a second told him this creature would gladly gut him if he spoke ill to her. Yet there was naught but ardor to be found in those eyes when she gazed at his...guest.

Ah.

A Servant, then.

Which begged the question.

No, no, a more important inquiry!

"I don't suppose she's full yet, is she?"

The young man-who claimed to be god!-had identified himself as Naruto.

A strange name to be sure, but he'd seen stranger.

His groan was not reassuring.

...yeah, I have no excuse for this one." the horned god lamented, pausing in his own feast to heartily palm at his face. "I touch _one_ summoning circle and suddenly I'm a magnet for Servants! I don't even know where she came from! She literally just _appeared_ after that Gilgamesh debacle! Out of nowhere! Just _...poof!"_ Exasperated, he flung up his hands in what the magus could only assume was dismay. "Does the Author hate me?! Is this because of that damned note chapter he made? Is that why I've been cursed by that damn Grail? Forsaken by the Log?!"

Startled by his ranting, the girl looked up from her meal.

"M-Mommy, are you mad? I'm sorry...

Naruto blew out a breath.

"Oh, no sweetie." he soothed, mussing her hair. "I'm not mad. Just wondering if the Author has it out for me. Makes ya wonder what's gonna happen when I try Ascending you lot."

 _"Author?"_

"Sorry, obligatory fourth wall break there, don't worry about it." the blond dismissed her concern with a flick of the wrist. "I mean lets face it, he probably decided it was better for you to be with me rather than risk having ya summoned by Kirei because we all know how that would have turned out. More tea, sweetheart?"

"Yes, Mommy!"

A slitted eye twitched.

"Jack, I keep telling you to call me Papa."

"But Mommy is Mommy, isn't she?" the girl argued.

"I get that, but I still don't feel comfortable about it, ya know?"

As Tokiomi looked on, the girl's lower lip trembled. "Is...is that no good?"

 _Urk._

Tokiomi knew that look all too well; Rin had often made the same when an argument wasn't going her way. She often succeeded. This girl looked much the same. Rin was often the one to pout when she wasn't winning. Unlike Sakura. She did not sulk or cry, even when...oh. Now he remembered. She was no longer part of this family. He'd nearly forgotten all about it in the midst of all this absurdity. No, it was for the best. He'd secured her future. Both her and Rin would grow to become powerful magi in their own right. This way, neither had to perish...surely. A flicker of memory brought an unpleasant twinge of remembrance to his chest. Ignoring the unseemly prickling of his heart, the Tohsaka lord coughed into a fist and averted his gaze.

Naruto's reaction proved far more...profound.

 _"Ack?!"_

WHAM.

With an agonized creak of sundered wood, his chair toppled backward with such force that he physically shattered its frail wooden frame and punched a small crater into the floor beneath. Then the wall behind him. In a beat he was back up again as though nothing had happened. Faster than the naked eye could follow he moved, sweeping the golden-eyed Servant up into his arms in a mighty bear hug. Caught unawares by the sudden glomp the white-haired lass could only laugh helplessly as her Master -Parent?- held her tightly and began to mutter all manner of nonsensical gibberish.

"Mommy!" she giggled. "That tickles!"

"Ah, my little ripper! Too pure!" Naruto sighed, rubbing his rough cheek against hers. "Jack's too pure!"

Somewhere in the back of Tokiomi's mind, something clicked.

Daggers.

Ripper.

Jack.

 _No._

"Is she...?"

"That's right." at that the blond hummed and turned to face him, uncaring as the giggling girl used the opportunity to clamor out of his arms and onto his shoulders. "She's Jack the Ripper. I thought you realized that. Ah, but don't worry." he added almost as an afterthought, "Jack's a good girl; she won't kill ya unless I tell her to." Despite his best efforts to ignore the not-so-subtle-threat and maintain calm, a muscle jumped in Tohsaka's jaw. He was only human after all; he could only tolerate so much disrespect to a point. He had his pride, after all.

 _This._

This man.

This man was driving him mad!

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"Sorry, Toki." the whiskered warrior declared. "I can't do that."

Wordlessly, the red-clad magus raised his staff and created a spark.

For the first time since they'd met, Naruto's face lost its pleasant smile.

"Oi, Tohsaka. Is that any way to treat the man who _gave_ you another Servant?"

"What ludicrous claim is that? One can't simply impart another Servant onto another!"

His horned head tilted.

"Can they not?"

 _"They can't!"_

"A word to the wise, Tokiomi." with a creaking sound, the Horned One stood, towering over him. "I can tolerate many things, but there are things even I won't brook. Stupidity. And Treason. Thankfully, you're neither of those things. However, you're overreacting." an icy hand settled on his shoulder. "Why don't we just sit down and pretend this little outburst never happened, neh?"

"Tch! You cannot simply-

Eyes. burned white.

 **"Sit. Down."**

"Wha _-urk?!"_

His exclamation trailed off into a strangled grunt as something took him from behind and rammed his face into the floor. Stars exploded before his vision; the acrid taste of blood coating his throat as he nearly bit through his tongue. Before he could recover, cold metal graced the nape of his neck. Silenced by the assault, the magus stiffened, not trusting his throat to the curved, unyielding steel. He didn't need to look to know his would-be killer. The vacancy from Naruto's shoulders told him all he needed to know. It didn't explain how. Her beatific expression terrified Tohsaka to no end.

 _'When did she...?!'_

"Are we going to kill him, Mommy?" Jack hummed. "I'm still hungry."

Was this it for him? Were these his final moments?

"Let him up, Jack." To his disbelief, he found himself spared. "I'm not done with him."

...alright."

With a disappointed sigh, the serial killer reluctantly relented and climbed off Tokiomi's back and languidly danced back to her Master's side. Pride in tatters, Tohsaka crawled upright. Even now he fought down the urge to counterattack, to strike at the Servant's back in recompense for her temerity. It would be so easy. Even for a man-no, perhaps because Tohsaka Tokiomi was precisely that sort of man-who prided himself on principle and appearances, the desire to strike almost overwhelming. Another magus, Kayneth for instance, would've lashed out in a feverish attempt to salvage their honor.

Another magus would have perished on the spot.

"Ho? You're smarter than I thought."

He wasn't expecting a hand.

...thank you."

"If you really want to kill me, I won't stop you. Wouldn't be the first time I died today." the Horned One rolled his shoulders in a shrug and turned away to face the yard. "Hell, you might make a better job of it than most. Go ahead." tan arms spread wide, as though to embrace the world. "There. My back's turned. I already gave Gilgamesh one stock for that joke, you might as well take another if it makes you feel better."

"You...died?"

The tone was telling.

The horned god paused at that, a small smile

"Yes, I suppose you could say Enuma Elisha killed "me" as we know it." Naruto conceded with a small smile, clapping the older Tohsaka heavily on the shoulder. "Along with a good portion of your yard. But which me did Gilgamesh kill? I've got a lot of lives and most of them are spread around Fuyuki at the moment. Oh! Speaking of living, I nearly forgot the reason I cam here in the first place. Now, where did I put that...aha!"

With a grand flourish, he flung a silver blur at him.

"Catch!"

It flew at Tokiomi faster than he could follow; even as he raised his staff to defend it flowed around his weapon to curl against his wrist- _aack?!_ A brief sting of pain of pain followed as the creature clamped down upon his limb with a contented trill and went still, leaving an eerie silver ornament in its place. Tokiomi gazed at the bracelet and frowned. For some reason the damn thing was fused to his arm. Try as he might, he couldn't seem to remove the odd creature. Strangely enough, it wasn't impeding the flow of his Prana. If anything seemed to enhance the flow...

"What is this?"

"Oh, just a little something I cooked up." the horned deity remarked, knocking another bottle of wine-where had he found that?!-back with a hearty guffaw. "It gives you a 100+ resistance to backstabbing. Handy, right? You'll definitely thank me for this later." Loathe as he was to it, he had to ask.

"But...why give me this? I'm your enemy."

Something dangerous flickered in those ice-blue orbs.

"Because, Tohsaka, you're a shit father."

Aaaand there was the anger again.

 _"Excuse me?"_

"I don't know whether you're ignorantly cruel or blindingly naive." much to his consternation, his guest merely shook his head and flashed that infuriating smile of his. "Still, your intentions were good. So! I'm giving you a chance to make amends for what you've done. Go pay the Matou family a visit. See your daughter. Unannounced or not, it doesn't matter. Once you're done screaming...well, assuming you don't lose your mind, we'll talk. If you're willing to, that is. _Thank Kariya. Tell Sakura you're sorry. Beg your wife for forgiveness. Rail against your fate. Fight. Struggle! Crawl._ And to send you on your way...I'll give you a hint about Zouken's magic. What you unknowingly subjected your daughter to."

Leaning forward, he took Tohsaka by the shoulders and whispered a lone word in his ear.

 _"Worms."_

Tokiomi went cold.

"What...are you?" he murmured.

Naruto tilted his head.

"In a word?"

As he looked on, the blond's body seemed to shift.

 _"Legion."_

A series of shadowy figures, each him, and yet not. An innumerable facade, countless in their number. One carried a staff. The other held a Deck of cards. Still a third bore a scarred face and white hair. Another towered over the rest in gigantic relief. None were the same, each different in their own way. Some weren't even human. As though he were looking across a thousand lifetimes, a thousand realms, a thousand worlds. Impossible. Inconceivable. Even with _that_ magic...to stare at them threatened to drive him mad. Root be damned, what was he?!

His eyes betrayed him then, blinking, and when next he looked they were gone.

Only one remained.

"I am many things." he, no-they-grinned at him. "A prankster. A wandering god. A father. A husband. A murderer. And when this is over...well, I suppose there's no harm in me telling you. Are you familiar with the name Lev? No? I didn't think so. Once I've had my fun here, I'm going to find him. Then? I'm going kill him. Every incarnation of him. Every version." a dark spark flickered to life in those eyes and his voice took on an edge that had not existed prior. "I can't stand people like him. Betraying your allies? The destruction of humanity? A man who wishes for nothing more than death is going to die at the hands of a most inhuman being. Ironic, isn't it? Ya can come along if you like. Bring the whole family. Say what you will about Chaldea, but at least it'll be entertaining. Oh, and I definitely need to have a word with Galahad...

"Chaldea? _Galahad?_ What are you...?"

"Oops, spoilers!" throwing back his head in laughter, the blond grinned and decided to show himself out. "Now then, I'm off. I wish you good fortune in the war to come! Let's go, Jack!"

"Coming, Mommy!"

 _"Wait!"_

Naruto paused.

"Go on ahead, Jackie. I'll be right behind you."

With a happy chirrup, Assassin complied with the order.

Tokiomi nearly shouted, such was the intensity of his frustration.

"Why do this? Why go to such lengths for someone you barely know? How do you know all this?!" when the Horned One didn't answer, anger threaded its way into his tone, tinging his words with despair. "I could betray you!" he flung a hand outward, driving the food from the table with a harsh clatter. "Turn on you! And yet you still helped me! Why?!"

A lone blue eye reluctantly reappeared over his shoulder.

Tokiomi expected another caustic retort of sorts.

Instead, he received a faint, knowing smile.

"Why shouldn't I? Its Not My Grail."

With a laugh, he vanished.

* * *

 _(...Presently...)_

* * *

The Magus Killer considered himself a practical man.

Indeed, while Kiritsugu Emiya both acknowledged and disdained sorcery, he accepted facts. Reality. The world in which mankind lived was an impossible one; feats that most would balk at were easily accomplished by magic. Indeed, the very art of thaumaturgy was a miraculous one. Yet even it had limits. You couldn't save everyone, even with the incredible power afforded by magic. To save someone, you had to abandon someone else. Such was the ugly truth that infested this truth. There was no way around it. By sacrificing one, you could save thousands. The needs of the minority never outweighed the majority. Conversely, the majority would always overrule the minority without fail. Anyone who thought otherwise, who heedlessly averted their eyes from the truth-they were a fool.

His entire past stood in stark testament to this painful reality.

He killed for the sake of peace.

He ended likes for peace.

Always, for peace.

He'd sacrificed everything in pursuit of this dream. His father. His childhood. The woman who'd raised him. What he little he hadn't was soon lost regardless. And he would sacrifice many more yet. His wife would become the Grail. Maya would likely die in the battles that were to come. He would lose them both unless he-no. He dare not. If he dwelt upon that any longer than was necessary he'd lose his nerve. The temptation to cut ties to the Einzberns, to spirit them-and Illya!-away was overwhelming. Almost too much for him to bear. Even now his thoughts threatened to betray him should he think on the matter overlong. Yes, there was be no god in this twisted world. There were no heroes. Only those who were fools. This was why the world needed a miracle to save it.

But all that was about to change.

He would summon Saber. He would win this war. All the preparations were complete, the relic laid upon the altar. All was in readiness.

 _With this, he would create peace._

 _That had been his intention._

Yet this...

...this was not peace.

This was anything _but_ peace!

Had he not expected the explosion that followed, Kiritsugu Emiya might have been injured. Or worse. Nevertheless he was well-prepared for the blast and steadied himself, riding it out. Portions of the floor caught flame in a rush of super-heated air, only to find themselves subsequently snuffed out by a second wave of pressurized wind. Coughing quietly into his singed sleeve, the Magus Killer peered into the thick haze, awaiting a response from he whom he had summoned. Even now he could clearly see a figure standing within, and yet it almost seemed as if...no, that shouldn't be possible...

To his dismay _two_ voices arose from deep within the rising smoke.

"Servant Saber/Lancer. I have responded to your summons...

A pause followed.

And then.

 _Then:_

"What is the meaning of this?!"

"I should ask the same of you, little one."

A strangled squawk answered the latter's rebuttal.

 _"Little...?!"_

"My heavens, it appears the younger me possess a temper after all...

As he looked on, the fog cleared, confirming his initial suspicions.

"What in the world...?" Iri breathed in disbelief.

Two Servants stood before them.

The first was a girl.

Small of stature with piercing green eyes and hair the color of golden staw, she nevertheless carried herself with a regal grace that few could ever hope to match. Clad in a blue-white battle dress, Kiritsugu couldn't decide if she was dressed for war or a grand ball. Said armor clinked softly as she pivoted to glare at...

...he could only think of her as the "other".

With her helmet cast aside, she sat astride a great white beast of a stallion, the horse just as armored as its mistress if not moreso. Excluding Kiritsugu's varying opinions about her physique, this woman was undoubtedly what-or rather, whom!-she claimed to be. A Lancer. The weapon in her hand radiated a holy might. Indeed, one might attribute her very presence to that of a Divine Spirit thanks in no small part to the spear she wielded in her hands. Her armor conformed neatly to her generous figure, suggesting something substantial beneath the gleaming silver plate. If he had to put it to words he would call this one a more mature version of the Saber over there, albeit, one who'd grown to maturity in various...ways.

Still, the burning question yet lingered on.

How had he summoned two Servants?!

Which one was King Arthur?!

"Erm...

His voice seemed to activate them.

As one, they turned to glare-well, the younger one glared-at Kiritsugu.

"I ask of you, are you my Master?"

"Oh dear, I believe that line belongs to me." the older woman hummed. "Clearly, I was summoned first."

"Silence!"

Before he could think to intervene, Saber snapped at Lancer and their bickering resumed anew.

Rather, Saber's one-sided argument against the utterly unperturbed version of herself.

Kiritsugu wasn't a man prone to laughter, but he nearly guffawed in despair.

The twin command seals etched into his arm only made it worse.

If there was a god then surely, he was laughing at them-

 _"Kiritsugu, I've come to bargain!"_

Thus, he was understandably miffed when an intruder kicked down his door and all but launched it at them. Indeed, a booted foot crashed through the twin halves of the once imposing arch and sent them spinning across the room and incredible speed; such that although the newly summoned Servants were easily able to evade, they weren't able to reach the other in time. In that, the task fell to Kiritsugu. A less physically capable magus would have been crushed outright and perhaps his adversary knew this. Indeed, he might have expected him to dodge altogether.

They couldn't possibly predict his speed.

"Time Alter; Double Accel!"

The world ground to a crawl and Emiya shot forward like an arrow loosed from a bow. In the time that it took the spinning door to complete a single revolution he'd already gathered Irisviel up in his arms and spirited her away away from the ensuing destruction. No sooner had Kiritsugu flung himself aside than a streak of crimson lightning arced through the opening they'd vacated and made straight for Saber. The sheer shockwave alone was akin to a force of nature, hurling both husband and wife through a wall and into an adjacent room with bone-crushing force

Pain blazed up Emiya's right side.

Ironically, his paranoia had saved both their lives.

 _Ah._ A detached part of him assessed the damage. _That's unfortunate._

Cracked ribs.

Fractured wrist.

Dislocated shoulder.

Gold light vied with furious scarlet.

In that moment, several events occurred at once.

"Pardon the intrusion!" A man's rough voice called through the smoke. "I've come to-WHOA MAMA! Now that's an Artoria!"

A heartbeat later, and a bloodcurdling howl tore through the chamber they'd just vacated.

The cacophony of shouts that followed proved...disturbing.

"FAAAAAAAAAAAAATHER!"

"Oi! Bad Mordred! Bad girl! No!"

"M-Mordred?! Why are you here-?!"

The scream that followed was worse.

 _"ShutupyoustupidrottenogoodbastardDIE!"_

Much worse.

"Kiritsugu?!"

"I'm here...help me up."

Iri's face swam in and out of focus before his red-tinged vision and the Magus Killer realized too late their peril. The Servants were still fighting. By the sounds of it, one of them was losing ground. This place wasn't safe. It was dangerous. They needed to leave. Groaning, he furiously propped himself up with her aid and struggled to his feet; just in time to witness an unhorsed Lancer sail through the wall opposite them. A horned man clad in a coat of many colors stormed into the breach after, laughing all the while, uncaring of the gaping hole she'd drilled in his abdomen. The surreal sight jolted Kiritsugu back to reality.

Yes, the Servants were still fighting.

Viciously.

 **"CLARENT...**

 _"EX..._

Another shout tore through the mansion.

Odd, was it just him or did the world seem to be shaking-

 **...BLOOD ARTHUR!"**

 _...CALIBUUUUUUUUUUR!"_

The cataclysm that followed made the last seem tame by comparison.

Well. That certainly settled it, then. Few magi possessed such an absurdly ridiculous strength. Those that did...had no reason to be involved in this War. The alternative made him shudder. A Servant? Here? That an enemy had made through the Einzbern's bounded fields without being detected was troubling enough by itself. That someone had found them this early in the War, so soon after the summoning, well...he shuddered to think what might happen next. Best to retreat for now and get as far away from this as possible. Yes, for now he'd assess the threat rather than rush in like a bloody fool. If a Servant was here then their Master had to be close by at the very least...

 _"They're really going at it out there, aren't they."_

Iri yelped, but Kiritsugu already knew.

They'd been had.

"Shit...!"

To his disbelief, he found himself look at the very same man who'd departed not a moment ago. The only difference being this one didn't wasn't missing half his stomach. As he looked on in utter confusion the horned man flashed him the smallest of smiles, tucked both legs beneath his body and quietly claimed a seat atop a mound of rubble beside him. A moment of belated silence passed between the three of them. Then another. Another. And another still. Just who was this man? What did he intend? Why were there two of him? Kiritsugu considered all this and more; he'd only _just_ considered reaching for his Contender when the blond shook his head.

"Don't." he warned. "That won't work on me, even if you use your special bullets...Kiritsugu Emiya.

"Who are you?"

"A fan of your work. The name's Naruto. As for who _I_ am? I'm nobody important." the horned one waved a hand in minute dismissal of himself. "I'm just a clone; my job's to keep you both in one place and _one piece_ until the boss finishes his fun outside. He'll do the talking."

A muffled crash resounded through the mansion.

"Although...that might be awhile."

...what do you want?"

Naruto's grin was telling.

"Simple. I want to play a game."

 _It would prove to be the beginning of a very long night for Kiritsugu._

 **A/N: Mordred vs Arturia next chapter! That's gonna be FUN~!**

 **YES, I just threw Tokiomi a bone there.**

 **We'll see if he deserves it.**

 **BATTLES BEGIN SOON!**

 **And I may or may not have dropped hints about my intentions toward Grand Order. I'm all for the Protagonist doing his thing, but I have a bloody BONE to pick with Lev after watching the Ova. His end isn't going to be pretty.**

 **So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

 **...Review, Would You Kindly?**

 **And enjoy the preview!**

 **Yes, there are a lot!**

 **'Tis deliberate!**

 **REJOICE~!**

 **Hehehe, you'll like this, I promise~!**

 **CRY HAVOC AND LOOSE THE HOUNDS OF WAR~!**

 **(Previews)**

 _"Use your words!_

 _...Ber~Ser~Ker?"_

 _"Aha! Good girl! Now, paw."_

 _Berserker grunted._

 _"Umu."_

 _"Yosh, good girl!"_

 _A hand descended, not to strike, but to muss her hair. Odd. Frankenstein found the sensation oddly...calming._

 _Had she possessed a tail, it would've been wagging._

* * *

 _"Wanna be king, Mordred?"_

 _"Ha?! What the hell, baka Master?!"_

 ** _R &R~!_**

 ** _=D_**


	5. Ties that Bind

**A/N: So.**

 **Survived the surgery.**

 **I've been waiting a looooong time for this.**

 **And now time for an obligatory-if somewhat angry-disclaimer:**

 **I only own the idea for this story. Nothing else. Obviously I don't own the Fate franchise, nor do I own Naruto. Furthermore, I don't own any quotes, references, or quips within. They belong-and always will-to their respective actors, characters, etc so on and so forth. Since a few trolls-you know who you are-decided to be children about it, I'm going to be putting this disclaimer in my author's notes henceforth. Those that _threaten_ _my life_ over a harmless work of fiction clearly don't have their priorities in order. Wishing me dead during a surgery would be a prime example of this.**

 **Seriously, people!**

 **Its not like I get paid to write!**

 **Hell, I don't even write for myself!**

 **I write for YOU. The readers. For the individuals reading this even now. To bring a little joy and happiness to the madness of this world. I get absolutely NOTHING out of this, bar reviews and the occasional bit of feedback. Yet I persist in the hope that somewhere, I've made someone's day a bit better by providing them with a story. That I've brought a smile to their face, or perhaps made their day a bit better. I have a life outside of this site, and while it may sometimes prevent me from updating as much as I'd like, I still persist. Just as I've persisted for the last ten years, I intend to continue for many more, knowing that somewhere, I've made a difference. I've pushed through pain, depression countless surgeries, and a host of other problems I won't mention here, and none of them broke me.**

 **So go ahead.**

 **Bring on the death threats.**

 **Try to attack or harass me in real life.**

 **I won't stop writing, not now, not then, not ever.**

 **I already failed a friend once; I ain't doing that again.**

 **I've lived through a hell that few can imagine, and I've survived.**

 **Now that we've finished that, lets get the catchphrase out of the way, ey?**

 **REVIEW FOR IT FEEDS MY ENGINE OF CREATION! Well, if you like. I can't force you~!**

 **Quick note here, the Mordred of THIS tale is different from the "AMB" (A Most Unlikely Berserker) iteration that we all known and love. She's nowhere near as nice, downright feral in a fight, and when faced with the one who denied her very existence...well...suffice to say she isn't going to take it well. She's also got a LOT more power than AMB's Mordred thanks in no small part to receiving near unlimited energy from a literal divine being; one who delights in chaos and madness.**

 **Yeah, Artoria's about to have a bad time.**

 **Oh, and before I forget, a bunch of you asked me to do a Grand Order story eventually. Don't worry, its coming.**

 **This may be an interlude of sorts regarding the Masters, but its one that's sorely needed given the enormity of what I have planned.**

 **Also, the mystery master is obvious master. Really, its obvious who she is. Lord knows I've given more than enough hints as to her identity...**

 **...again and as ever, this story is meant to be all manner of chaotically silly. Think of it as a crack fic of sorts. Too try not to take it too seriously, dear readers...**

 _"They say laughter never dies. Shall we test that?"_

 _~?_

 **Ties That Bind**

 _"What! Is! Going! On?!"_

If the universe held any answers for her, Artoria couldn't hear them over the sound of her own dissonant thoughts. Instead she yelped as a fresh surge of crimson light upended her position to shatter her guard and send her sprawling once more into the night. Perhaps _upended_ was too tame a word. Ears ringing, eyes stinging, she propped herself upright just in time to behold her tormentor. She'd scarcely clawed her way back to her feet when a gleam of metal caught her eye. A familiar, wordless roar filled her ears, causing her to grit her teeth. She knew full well was coming, but try as she might, she simply couldn't raise her blade in time-

CRUNCH.

Sure enough an armored fist collided with Saber's jaw, hurling her into the air yet again as though she'd been struck by the fist of an angry goddess. All things considered it was...an adequate comparison. Three trees burst before her rapidly retreating back before velocity finally took pity on her and released her from its cruel grasp. Of course, gravity chose _that_ moment to have its say, dragging her battered body across the ground like a ragdoll. Her once pristine armor long since dirtied by equal parts mud and blood, she could only scrape herself off the beaten path and rise to face the fury of her foe once more.

It wasn't hard to miss her.

"What's wrong, Father?! Laying down on the job?! I expected better of you!"

Clad in resplendent crimson and silver, Ser Mordred advanced down the path she'd cleared. That horned helmet snapped backward, folding in upon itself to reveal her her face twisted in sardonic amusement. A wild, high light roared bright in those aqua green orbs, brimming with bitter resentment. Each step cratered the soil beneath her, an aura of twisted crimson mana bleeding from her like a broken sieve. Though her blade hung loose in her fist Artoria refused to lower her guard. She'd witnessed firsthand just how wickedly fast the younger girl had become.

"Admit it." the knight's voice dropped an octave. "Just say it, and I'll stop."

A stubborn muscle jumped in her jaw.

"You ask the impossible."

The girl sneered.

"Do I?"

Where was this confidence coming from? Mordred had never her equal in combat. Even in her prime, she should've been able to best her with ease. Easily. Yet here she stood, trading her blow for blow. No-if she was honest with herself, the Knight of Rebellion had surpassed her long ago. Her form and stance hadn't changed in the least; but the power behind her blows had. For each strike she met, Excalibur found itself hammered with bone-crushing force. Every near-miss ruptured the air and threatened to create gale force winds.

Something-or someone was fueling her-spurring her own in spite of the wounds she'd sustained.

Moreover, how was she _here?_

Tradition dictated that there be only one Saber per war. Indeed, there could only ever be one Servant in any given class during the battle for the Holy Grail. Yet here Mordred stood, in all her glory. And then there was the matter of Lancer, the strange doppelganger and yet not-double that had been summoned with her. Something was fundamentally different about this war. Something had changed. But what?

"Unlimited mana, that's what!" a rough voice called from a nearby fortified position. "Keep grinding away at her if you don't believe me!"

Ah.

Saber nearly spit.

She'd nearly forgotten about Mordred's Master.

That must be it, then! That explained her limitless reservoir of energy!

"Knave! Have you no honor, Master of Mordred?! Cheaters never prosper!"

"Bitch, I'm a god! I _always_ prosper!" came the accompanying shout. "Now apologize to your kid and be a good parent, damnit! Tell her, Kiritsugu!"

Her master remained silent as the grave.

 _'So that's how it is..._

Guilt and shame sprang back to life within Artoria and struck a mortal blow against her pride. Her spirit wouldn't brook such offense. Moreover, she simply didn't know how to react. Naturally her first instinct was to deny it, as she had that day. Mordred could never have been her heir. She, who wore heavy armor to intimidate her opponents. She, who acted like a thug. She, so easy to anger, so willing to draw her blade for the slightest offense. They were alike in that aspect at least. No matter how deeply hurt she might've been by that rejection, nothing could excuse her previous rebellion.

Hardening her heart, Saber took up her sword once more.

"No. She is...she is no child of mine."

Rather than rise to the bait, the crimson knight merely chuckled, causing her to bristle.

"Coward. Some king you are."

"Do you mock me, Mordred?!" Saber snarled.

...no." her offspring replied quietly. "I deny _you."_

Somehow, that response stung more than her own denial. "What?"

"I said you're no father of mine!" her offspring snorted, silencing her with that stinging rebuttal. "You're a damn coward, that's what you are! Now enough talk.I should've known you wouldn't admit it that easily. Fine." Slim shoulders rolled in a halfhearted shrug, but there could be no mistake the sudden flash of hurt in her gaze. "Be that way." her mouth contorted in a cruel grin. "I'm not satisfied yet. My Master's told me to give this battle my all, so...

An armored arm rose beckoning in a come-hither motion.

"C'mere, Father!" she growled, baring her teeth fearsomely. "I'll hack that smug look right off your damn face and drag you down to my level!"

"Oi, Mordred!" Naruto's rough voice catcalled in the distance. "Remember, don't _kill_ her! That's an order!"

The arrogant knight stiffened sharply, her face dusted with the lightest blush.

"Tch, I know!"" she snapped back at him. "Baka master!"

"Don't make me use a Command Spell~!" he cried.

"You'll lose another arm if you do!"

"Got plenty more to spare!"

 _"Bite me!"_

With that declaration Mordred lunged at her in a streak of crimson. Startled by the sudden onslaught as much as the speed behind it, Saber scarcely managed to raise her weapon in time. That grudge-filled blade danced through her defenses and crashed against Excalibur's guard bearing all the wrath of a rampaging dragon. Sparks skittered between it and the unseen blade caught as they struggled against one another. Vying for dominance. Neither yielded and for a moment, just a moment, Artoria almost dared to believe shed finally gained the upper hand. If she could just hold her long enough to ready Excalibur-

"ORA ORA ORA! Fight me like you mean it already!"

Quite abruptly-likely in response to their deadlock itself-the Knight of Rebellion reared back and smashed her forehead against hers with the explosive force of a thousand. Black splotched across Artoria's vision, forcing an angry blink. In that brief moment of inattention, she never saw the uppercut rushing at her from below. Something crunched in her jaw and next she knew, she found herself airborne.

Naruto whistled.

"Whew, she really flew that time. I almost feel sorry for Saber. Care to take bets, Lancer? Or should I just call you Lartoria?"

The Servant in question turned a frigid eye upon him. "No. Lancer will be sufficient."

"Awwww, why so cold~?" the blond in question wriggled in faux despair.

"Because you are a brute. You do not fight with honor or pride."

"Ah, so mean! You're going to hold a grudge over this...

"Should we...stop her?" Nero inquired aside.

Altera scoffed softly at the remark.

"Irrelevant."

"Eh, she's right." the horned one soothed as a distant plume of dust and dirt erupted to the north, signalling the blue servant's landing. "Don't worry. We're just letting Mordred work through her daddy issues. In Artoria's case, she need to to learn to swallow that pride of hers. One of them's bound to wear down eventually. After all, real men can only communicate with their fists. Ha!"

Kiritsugu offered a slow blink.

"Saber isn't a man."

"Quite!" Naruto chirped. "Oh, and while you were distracted, seems your wife went and got herself a Servant. Lucky you~!"

All eyes turned back to the ruined church at once.

A cold muzzle jammed against his face.

"What have you done?!"

"Hey! Don't look at me!" the blond flailed his arms spectacularly as he found the assassin's Contender thrust against his jaw. "The grail's gone mad! Also, I may or may not have killed the person who was supposed to summon Caster in this timeline, sooo...on second thought? Yeah, I'm probably at fault here. But look on the bright side!" Into that stupefied silence, the trickster flashed a roguish grin. "Its not like she summoned an antihero or anything...

His head tilted aside. "Is it that obvious?"

The Magus Killer nearly choked on his own spit at the sight awaiting them.

In hindsight, one could not blame him for such an adverse reaction. It wasn't everyday that another Servant simply appeared of their own volition; much less without a catalyst to spur them back into reality. Certainly not when the ritual was complete. The newcomer's appearance certainly didn't inspire confidence at that.

"Ara, its so nice to meet someone so very much in love!"

Irisviel von Einzbern stared at her Servant, aghast.

She had...not expected this outcome.

No, not in the slightest. None of it. Any of it. The very idea that she'd become involved in such a farce boggled the mind. Never had it occurred to her that the Grail might choose her to fill the final spot. How could she have known that a meddling god and his mad machinations would inadvertently involve her in this? No, she could never have known. Still, if this was to be her fate, then she would endure. For her wish. For the world. For those precious to her. If that meant she had to bear this burden...then so be it.

"Are you...Caster?"

The Servant's ears twitched.

A gentle smile greeted the Master.

"Indeed. It is a pleasure to meet you."

With an elegant smile, the divine creature bowed to her.

"My name is Tamamo no Mae. Caster Class. Shall we begin?"

"Ha!" Naruto guffawed loudly! "Well, Nero, you're going to _looooove_ this."

As though summoned by that very thought, the empress's head popped up over his shoulder.

"What am I going to-geh?!" Verdant green eyes bulged as they beheld the resplendent form of her fellow Servant. "W-W-When did that wench get here?!"

Before their very eyes, Caster's smile shattered like brittle glass.

"Heavens me! I could say the same thing!" the shrine maiden replied with an air of deep skepticism and scorn. "A gluttonous servant like yourself has no place in an elegant battle like this. Does you precious "Praetor" know what he's signed up for? No? Woe is me! Perhaps we ought to trade? After all, it seems my Master is already quite taken with another while yours...

A glazed look flitted across Tamamo's golden orbs, her tongue flitting out to lick at her full lips.

...seems quite fetching, I must say."

Naruto twitched.

 _Urk._

Those were the eyes of a predator, a soulless demon ready to devour her prey. A peerless creature from which no escape could be brooked, no shelter taken. Once you were caught within her sights you were finished. Nero must've seen-or at the very least sensed-the same; for she seized his right arm in an iron embrace.

"No!" She cried. "You will not interfere in my imperial romance this time!"

 _"Imperial romance? Oi..._

"Dear me, aren't you clutching him too tightly?" Caster purred.

"Ha! Rich words coming from a soul-stealer like yourself!"

"Oh dear, was that an insult? I'm not impressed."

"Empty-headed fool!"

"Hag!"

It was a battle none had any desire to intrude upon, much less intervene; one could only watch their whirling expressions as they slung words back and forth like weapons. Even one as great as Gilgamesh would've been hard pressed to triumph in such a war of wits. Naruto found it required more than a little prowess-alongside abusing his own divine powers-simply to extricate himself from the two rivals. Despite his escape they showed no signs of ceasing, indeed, his absence only seemed to embolden them all the more.

...you _do_ realize the grail is actively trying to screw us over at this point?" Altera murmured.

Naruto groaned into his palm.

"Noooo, ya think?" the horned deity scoffed, the words dripping with sarcasm. "What could possibly go wrong?! I'm sure the other Masters are just singing its praises right about now...

* * *

 **(0o0o0)**

* * *

 _...what."_

Kirei blinked.

The new Servant blinked back.

Were those...horns? _Horns_ growing out of her head?

...what manner of Servant are you?"

Kiyohime's smile was terror incarnate.

* * *

 **(0o0o0)**

* * *

"Sakura, was it? Your niece? You would go to such lengths to save her?"

Berserker grunted in irritation as the newcomer forcefully shunted him aside.

Indeed, the dark knight wasn't so much pushed as shoved. Even he was humbled by the newcomer's strength. In the next instant, Matou Kariya found himself face to face with a pair of peerless green eyes. A pair of small but firm hands clamped down on his shoulders, all but holding him captive before her gaze.

"You wish to save that child? That is an admirable goal, Master!"

Kariya swallowed thickly.

"W-What the hell? Another one...?"

"I, Atalanta, swear to aid you in this noble endeavor!"

* * *

 **(0o0o0)**

* * *

Iskandar boomed a laugh.

"Gahahaha! Well this is a surprise! I didn't think you were capable of summoning another Servant!"

Waver wasn't. He was certain of it. His decidedly limited abilities were well known in the Clock Tower; indeed, he was scarcely capable of supporting someone like the King of Conquerors when he went all out. That he had inadvertently summoned more than one baffled him to no end. The sheer strain of supporting more than one Servant should've slain him outright. Yet he barely registered it. His circuits were scarcely warm, yet he clearly felt an abundance of Prana in the spear-wielding warrior standing before him.

"Ha? So this runt's supposed to be our Master?"

Waver gulped.

"What's with that tone?"

Achilles grinned.

"Got a problem?"

"Hey, hey!" A new rough voice coughed within the smoke. "Can't we just get along?"

"Tch. You're no fun, Rider of Black...

The newcomer laughed and clapped him on the back.

"Aw, don't be like that! We're on the same team this time, aren't we?"

Waver couldn't decided if wanted to laugh or cry.

"Th-Three...you've got to be kidding me...

They were, all of them, Rider class.

 _Such misfortune!_

 **A/N: Ha! Take that computer! I don't need both hands to write!**

 **Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to sneak back to bed before the 'ol girlfriend makes good on her promise to hang me for staying up late again. Its not like my inspiration kept me up 'till the crack of dawn writing this...or that I forgot to eat...or go outside today...or pay the bills...**

 **...**

 **...**

 **...**

 **SHE'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIIIIIIIIIIIVE~!**

 **So in the Immortal words of Atlas...**

 **...Review, Would You Kindly?**

 **Enjoy the previews!**

 **(Preview)**

 _"Is there anything else you require, Husband?"_

 _"Down, Tamamo! Jeez!"_

* * *

 _"You think this is insane? Just wait 'till Grand Order. Chaldea's gonna be CRAZY. Can't wait to see Tiamat!"_

 _"Again, what is a Chaldea and why do I have a bad feeling about this..._

* * *

 _"Madman."_

 _"I prefer the term "morally-challenged", thank you very much."_

* * *

 _"Altera?"_

 _"Yes, Master?"_

 _"Burn it to the ground."_

 _Saber positively mewled in response._

 ** _R &R~!_**


	6. A Titan's Wish (True Interlude)

**A/N: A MAN LIVES!**

 **A MAN RETURNS FROM SURGERY!**

 **A MAN KEEPS HIS PROMISES TO THE FANS!**

 **I'm still not feeling my best, and two jobs have been keeping me absurdly busy.**

 **Other updates are coming "Son of the Stag" and "A Most Unlikely Berserker" chief amongst them. Worry not, these updates are absolutely massive and are well worth the wait. Others are longer still and thus take longer to write, but I want them to be good, thus I preserve.**

 **So here's a quick little interlude to keep the torches and pitchforks at bay while I go back to work again. Gotta keep the lights on and food on the table somehow...**

 **Once more, I feel I should also point out that "Not My Grail" is only loosely affiliated with the "A Most Unlikely" Grail War series I have going on at present. Each and every Servant you see here is a separate entity from those in my other stories.** **Confused? A reviewer known as the Sith'ari asked as much.**

 _"Given how your Naruto/Fate stories are loosely connected in one way or form, I wonder if the Atalanta that Kariya had summoned will be the one that fought alongside Berserker!Naruto. If so, I wonder if she'll recognize him, despite him not being on of his Servant Incarnations."_

 **To answer:**

 **Yes and no. They may die, but thanks to Naruto's meddling, their memories remain.** **Any given meeting is immediately carved into the Throne for posterity. A prime example of this would indeed be Atalanta. She's not the same in "Berserker" obviously.** **These stories are occurring at the same time, so this Atalanta wouldn't know Naruto. Perhaps if her counterpart in "Berserker" had died before summoning she would, but as she has not...**

 **Now, if Vlad the Third were to be summoned, he'd find Naruto familiar and recognize his appearance. Why? Because Vlad was already slain and returned to the Throne.**

 **"Not My Grail" Naruto is a separate one from "Not My Chaldea", who is merely a chaos-loving deity simply looking to relieve his boredom. He's recorded in the Throne of Heroes, but cannot be summoned. Open and shut. Case closed. Every Servant iteration of him is aware of him peripherally aware of who he is and his meddling, just as they're aware of each other. Rider!Naruto says as much at one point in "A Most Unlikely Rider."**

 **Thus far, there have been many Servant stories on my part. The classes that have yet be filled are Ruler Naruto, Lancer Naruto, Saber Naruto, as well as Archer Naruto. There's more still if you go into the other classes such as Faker, Saver, Beast, and the like.** **Of course, each Naruto is aware of the other in a sense that they're aware of other classes, but they haven't met** **...yet. That'll happen later down the line in a grand merging of stories, but much, much, MUCH later. The title and premise are already written and will be known as "** **A Most Unlikely Grail War."**

 **As ever, I own no material, references, lines, or dialogue from Fate Grand Order or anything else. Nope! Not at all!**

 **This one's dedicated to a Servant who really doesn't get enough attention.**

 **Remember, this is meant to make you all SMILE.**

 **Try not to take it TOO seriously~!**

 **Sorry if its short!**

 _"You really want that wish, don't you...?"_

 _~?_

 **A Titan's Wish (True Interlude)**

 _Destruction._

This was Altera's purpose.

It was all that she'd ever known.

She was born to destroy, to rip and tear and cleave until nothing else remained. She'd been so good at it in her living days that she'd eventually ascended to the Throne of Heroes. Hers was a cold fury, one she took no pleasure in, but resigned herself to nevertheless. With the sword of Mars in her hand, she could only ever be a Saber. Nothing more. Nothing less. No other class suited her. She was cold. Like a machine. Summoned in a Grail War, it was her duty to obey her given Master and lay waste to his enemies, as a Servant should. Her task was to grant her summoner the grail. Nothing else. She mustn't think. Mustn't feel.

Yet she didn't understand her Master.

In any given Grail War, a magus could only ever summon one Servant. This was the ironclad rule of the Holy Grail and the Fate system as a whole. There were exceptions of course; sometimes a flawed Servant might be split between their past and present, or a duo summoned in a weakened state, or even a Servant stolen from another Master, but each was exceedingly rare.

Yet in less than a fortnight, those rigid rules had been broken; shattered so utterly that they could never be repaired.

Instead of a singular bond with her contractor she found herself forced to contend with two Sabers-one of whom felt oddly familiar-in a war that hadn't even truly begun. Whatever strange phenomenon had birthed this farce had spread to the other Masters as well; she could _feel_ the Servants in the distance, yet had been forbidden from attacking them for the time being. He'd even gone so far as using a Command Spell to reinforce the order when she thought to disobey.

Rather than fight, her Master went about forging alliances and talking, talking, talking! _Always talking!_ Never acting! It drove her mad!

With every moment wasted she chafed, her wish eating at her. Even as she tried to maintain her stoic facade she felt her self-control eroding as the days passed.

Nero and Mordred were of no help whatsoever in this regard, they seemed quite content to wait on their Master's order. Well, at least Mordred did. She'd become quite fond of using her newfound strength to bully the blue Saber of Kiritsugu for reasons Altera did not understand. Was there some sort of familial bond there? Resentment? She couldn't comprehend it. When she was alive, family was something to be treasured. But this was not family, only cold, relentless, tireless duty.

She could only wait.

For a destroyer created for naught but death and despair, Altera nevertheless cradled a silent, earnest desire in her heart, one that was not of destruction but of something else. It was this wish that kept her by her Master throughout the long days, even as he refused to let her take the field. He'd promised her. Given her his word. If he could grant her that wish-no. She mustn't allow herself to be distracted. To hope. The more she dwelt on it the worse it would be when they-he!-inevitably let her down...

So here she waited on the hill, gazing out at the city below.

...so why was she still here?

Fuyuki remained silent beneath, a calm portend of the storm to come. Faint lights danced in the dark, and she thought she glimpses black figures among them, distant battles being waged from afar. Were those sparks? A conflict, perhaps? She couldn't be sure. Her keen sight revealed much, but a Servant's vision was not omniscient and certainty was not a gift she knew these days. Least of all her own.

"Nice night, innit?"

Her first instinct was to attack him for sneaking up on her without warning.

Her second was to ignore her Master entirely, and the least violent of the two choices.

In the end, the answer was obvious, no matter how tempting the former of them might have been.

"Come to summon more Servants, have you?" she clicked her tongue in mild admonishment as the culprit appeared on the hill behind her, a flicker of emotion breaking through her stony facade as he arrived in a shower of golden dust. "Are the three of us and the assassin girl not enough? Must you have more? Does your greed know no bounds?"

"Easy, there." Her Master merely raised his hands in peace. "I didn't mean to do that. To be fair, I may have pissed off the Grail and might have-

A muscle jumped in her jaw. _"Might?"_

"You're angry, I get that-

"I do not _get_ angry. I can't think. I can't feel. Only fight and kill." Saber declared coldly, sensing his gaze settling between her tan shoulder. "That is my purpose."

"So you're a machine, then." came the instant rejoinder. "I don't buy it."

She turned away when he tried to move to her side.

"Hmm? I'm like a machine, you say?" biting back her initial blinding urge to lash out at him in spite of her hatred for destruction, the maiden in white chose to feign cold, glacial disdain instead. "Yes. I believe that is the correct comparison. Thinking. Feeling. I leave that to you. I kill. Like a silent, thoughtless machine. That is what I am. Direct me at your enemies Master, and I will destroy them."

"That's it?" a hand closed around her shoulder. "There's nothing you want? What about that wish of yours?"

She swatted his arm away. "I have nothing more to say."

"What _is_ your wish, anyway?"

Her mouth clicked shut in defiance.

"Not going to tell me, eh? Fine." she glimpsed a flicker of movement in her peripherals. "I could read your mind of course, but I won't. Can I guess? I'm a good guesser."

She shook her head, sending her veil swaying. "Cease thy drivel. Even if you were to choose wisely, I wouldn't answer you. Why bother?"

His smile broke her heart. "Because for all your acting, your not a bad person, _Sefar."_

Her very soul screamed against that name and static consumed her thoughts. Every fiber of her being clamped down as one and she fought the urge to hiss. Every single cell that comprised her spiritual body denied the existence of _that thing_. No. Not her. Never ever her. She couldn't think of it. Mustn't think of it. To do so would be to acknowledge its existence, a shadow that had marred her being since her summoning. That her Master had called her by that name felt like a betrayal and she mistook his actions for malice.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

"Don't call me that." a tiny being deep inside her core quailed as she clutched at her face. "I'm not the White Titan. I don't want to be."

"It doesn't have a cute ring to it?" Naruto beamed.

Altera twitched.

"You're trying to provoke me." when he didn't retort, she knew it to be true. "To make me show emotion. It won't work. This is pointless-

 _"What's pointless is this farce of yours!"_

Altera squeaked as strong hands seized her from behind and spun her around to face their owner. Wild blue eyes blazed back at her like falling stars, brighter even than the twin crimson horns jutting from his head. That lazy, guileless smile was nowhere to be seen; in its place was the face of a warrior, stern and unyielding. Anyone else would've found themselves stunned thoughtless by the sight of it. And Altera was. Briefly. Not by his charisma or any such thing, but the sheer intensity of his snarl.

But hers was a Servant's strength and she soon fought one arm free. "Unhand me!"

A small smile twitched at his lips. "Not until you're honest with yourself."

Wild red eyes flared with the light of a thousand suns.

"LET! GO!"

Tanned knuckles cracked across the blond's whiskered visage before he could even remotely comprehend the danger. In her sudden fit of fear Altera hadn't held back; she'd struck her Master with all the force of a great typhoon, fist plowing into the right side of his face to take a tooth and send him tumbling him down the mountainside in a shower of dirt and dusty debris. Horror warred with silent shame as she watched the rest of the mountain crumbling, a fierce flush of sinful satisfaction that warmed her dark cheeks as her raging emotions were finally given the outlet she craved.

He was standing by the time she righted herself.

His short-lived fall created an avalanche in his wake, but rather than panic the self-proclaimed deity calmly arrested his fall and raised a hand toward the tumbling flood. A silent pulse of energy answered and she saw him deflect the shower of falling rocks with a wave of the hand. No, Altera realized. He hadn't deflected them at all. He'd shattered them into pebbles, pebbles that he flung back at her. They skittered away harmlessly at her feet, falling well short of their goal. His words, however, did not.

"You'll have to do better than that, Saber~!" his voice sang up at her.

Something snapped in her and she leaped after him with a sharp cry before he could speak further.

"Shut up shut up shut up! Why can't you just leave me alone?!"

So she struck him again and this time, to the Saber's great dismay and confusion Naruto's head flew clean off his shoulders. The rest of him collapsed like a broken puppet in the dirt, blood pooling from the stump that had once been his neck. Just like that. Horrified, Altera cried out and shrank back from the corpse in confusion. She had seen him; witnessed his durability firsthand and overestimated him. She hadn't meant to strike him that hard, nor had she intended to kill him. She'd just been so terribly angry...

All she did was break everything.

"Don't you see?! I just destroy!" the words tore out of her on a high, wrenching sob as she pulled back and dragged her sword with her. "I can't do anything else! Yet, with these hands that bring about destruction, I can't help but think of embracing something! _There!_ What more do you want from me?! Are you happy now that I've killed you?!"

"Yeah, about that...

Altera's gaze snapped back to Naruto's corpse as it swayed upright.

As she looked on in mute disbelief the blond's body-still leaking like a cracked sieve-flailed comically in confusion for a moment before bending down to retrieve his dismembered head. A head that was clearly grinning at her. With a sharp twist this crimson cadaver clumsily sketched a low bow. Unfortunately in doing so, it dropped the very head it had been holding. Which in turn tumbled to a halt at Saber's foot. Incredulous, the mighty warrior gazed down at the smiling expression levered up at her.

"Do you mind?" he blinked back at her.

Her foot shot out without thinking, viciously punting him over the horizon...

"Thank you~!"

...rather, she would have if his body hadn't chosen that moment to leap up and snatch his skull back at the last moment. With a sharp twitch it summarily reattached his the next instant. What little remained of the wound vanished to the winds as the restored shinobi rolled his shoulders to work out the kinks. Altera wasn't sure whether she should laugh or sob. Be relieved that she hadn't killed her Master, or mortified that she'd managed to get so worked up in the first place. Regardless, the choice was soon taken from her.

"Right, then." bemused blue eyes rounded on her. "What have we learned?"

In the silence that followed she could only sniffle.

"I...you...how...

This time when he approached, Altera didn't resist. She did not advance. Nor did she retreat. Even had she been of the mind to do either the strength had gone out of her limbs. Her once proud and stern facade now lay broken and splintered around her, leaving her emotions exposed, a naked and raw wound for all to see. Her frustration with the lack of progress in the war coupled with her own vulnerability threatened to tear open old wounds she wasn't even aware she had, prodding at shadows she couldn't remember.

"Oh, you poor thing. C'mere."

When those broad arms wrapped around her the last brick in Altera's faltering wall of her resolve crumbled completely and she was lost. The tears came and she didn't resist them. She suddenly felt very small despite her towering stature-again came that strange nostalgia-and turned her head, burying it in his chest. Like a child. When the tears came she didn't fight them, either. Her pent up emotions burst forth like the rivers of a stopped dam and she lost herself in them as an eerie peace settled over her.

"That...that was mean...you tricked me...

"God, remember?" the blond chirped happily as he massaged the small of her back. "If a something like a little beheading could kill me I would've stayed dead a long time ago. And I had to do that. For your sake. I really wish I could help you work out the rest of your issues, ya know." he sighed, pushing a hand through the pale curtain of her hair as he patted her head. "But that's not my job. As things stand, I'm just "borrowing" you for this war. I can't make you change any more than you can make _me_ sever our contract. Best I can do here is to give you hope. But as for the saving...

His lips quirked in a small smile.

...I'll be leaving that to my Rider counterpart and his little squirrel."

Altera tilted her head in response, baffled by this seemingly strange statement.

"I know no such Rider. And a squirrel?" she felt her lips purse in a frown. "Of whom do you speak?"

"Oh," Those wild blue eyes creased as he smiled. "You haven't met them yet. But you will. Someday. Soon. On the moon."

"The moon." Saber's once deadpan expression became flatter still. _"The moon?_ Surely you jest. I had not taken you for a madman."

"Nah, I'm definitely mad," the blond hummed, jamming both hands into his pockets. "Just not in the way you think I am. You haven't met "them" or been to the Moon Cell yet. So...here."

"Master...?"

Something in his tone caused the Hun to turn and face him; when she did, she found the crimson light of a Command Spell waiting for her upon his outstretched hand. Something came undone deep inside of her spiritual core and she realized with a start that he'd rescinded his previous order. As she looked one of the many symbols etched into the back of his palm vanished before her very eyes. She tensed, half-expecting another callous command in its place, another order to stay the course, to back down and be a good little monster, to do as she'd been told...

...until he didn't.

"By the power of my Command Spell I demand that you be true to yourself, Saber." the sudden declaration rocked her world as much as that suddenly familiar smile. "Find the nearest Servant and kill them, if that makes you feel better. Fight to your heart's content. Find a good civilization. Destroy a bad one. Or don't. Do what you want. Go. Get your wish. Be happy. Be free." It could barely be considered an order, a command only in the loosest sense of the word. And yet it freed her. He did not force her to transform into her counterpart, nor did he sever her contract. She could've gone anywhere. Done anything within her power.

Atlera made no move to flee.

Nor did she wriggle out of Naruto's arms.

...although if its all the same to you...please don't move right now."

Much to her bemusement, that remark actually floored her stalwart Master.

"Well. Shit." he murmured, blinked rapidly. "What about your wish? Don't you want-

The soft response that followed was almost too faint for human ears. Even those of a higher origin.

Much to her chagrin, Naruto tilted his head. "Sorry...didn't quite catch that. Wanna run that bit by me again?"

The Hun's face darkened considerably as she buried her head in the warmth of the blond's chest. She dared not speak the words aloud. No. Not again. She didn't trust her nerve to hold a second time. If she spoke now she would be wholly, utterly undone. So she tightened her arms round his waist despite his protest and held fast refusing all attempts to communicate further. Naruto wouldn't be released until she mastered herself...nearly an hour later.

Altera didn't mind his confusion one bit.

She had her peace right here.

In his arms.

 **A/N: Incredibly cheesy and I don't caaaaaaaaare!**

 **A happy Altera is a good civilization, I say!**

 **Really, the poor girl just needs a hug.**

 **So. Very. Tired.** **By the time you read this I'll likely be headed to work. Alas, I won't be back till later tonight. Seems all I do is work these days, but that just makes these rare moments of writing all the sweeter. I only have a few hours to myself these days. Looking forward to hearing from you all!**

 **So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

 **...Review, Would You Kindly?**

 **And enjoy the previews!**

 **Mind you, many are ROUGH, but still!**

 **REJOICE~!**

 **(Previews)**

 _Those eyes widened. Then they narrowed._

 _He looked almost...happy to see him._ _"We meet again, Berserker! Have at you!"_

 _That should've been the first warning. "How many times do I have to tell you, that wasn't me! I am NOT-howthehellareyouthisstrong?!"_

* * *

 _"This Grail War isn't chaotic enough. Let's...spice it up a bit_ _! Burn them all, baby!"_

* * *

 _"Not so tough now, are you?!"_

* * *

 _"Funny thing about being a god. I cheat. Say hello to King Protea!"_

 _Kayneth had only just opened his mouth to retort when the shadow fell over him._

 _Death fell from above in the form of a giant hand many, many, MANY times the size of his skyscraper._

 ** _R &R~!_**

 ** _=D_**


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